Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The dreaded question.

When I was in high school my grandfather would always ask me " You don't have a boyfriend right?" And it was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to have one. I guess he thought I should be more focused on my school work, and I had no problem with that. It was an easy question to answer. Of course I didn't have a boyfriend. I had lots of guy friends and I was, for the most part, okay with them, but as soon I 'd see signs of any of them liking me I would run for hills. The question was always a sort of confirmation for me, in a world of boyfriends, girlfriends, hookups, and break ups (high school) I was never a part of any of it, but at least I had one person who had no problem with it and actually encouraged me to not get a boyfriend.

But when I graduated high school, the question suddenly changed from "You don't have a boyfriend right?" to "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" It's like he thinks that now that i'm an "adult" (19) I need to have a boyfriend. I guess I can understand where he is coming from, he just wants me to happy and you know how old people are (you need a man to make you happy).

What's even more upsetting is that he's not the only one who continues to ask the dreaded question. My older brother always asks me if I have a boyfriend yet, and my cousins, and aunts and uncles, and old classmates. I hate it! I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. I would not be able to handle a boyfriend. I would completely freak out. I can hardly handle answering the door for the mail man!

What makes it worse is that my sister who only one year older me has had  boyfriends since she was in the ninth grade and she is now is 3 year relationship. People see her and then me and they're like " Why don't you have a boyfriend?"  It's so frustrating! They seem to think something is wrong with me because I have never had a boyfriend. Then there is the idiots who think i'm a lesbian just because I've never had a boyfriend. And i'm like "Really? No boyfriend automatically equals lesbian?"

I just hate it when people say "you've never had a boyfriend?" Like it's the most shocking thing in the world. It's not  like I said I've never seen the sun. Not having a boyfriend isn't the end of the world!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Where are they now?

In high school I had two best friends ( we'll just call them "Mai" and "Jin" for privacy purposes). I met Jin in 8th grade. We weren't exactly friends, but we spoke to each other. In 9th grade we became best friends. We were always together. But only in school. I always wanted to hang with her after school but she never invited me so I thought that she didn't want me there.

I met Mai in the 10th grade, and me Jin and Mai became instant friends. I  started hanging out with them after school. And we were always over each others houses. And I felt really good because it was the first time I felt like I had true friends. We were always together and when we weren't people usually asked where the other one was.

And while I still felt nervous and anxious around them, it was definitely a lowers level on intensity than when I was around other people. And as long as we we'rent talking about boys, I was usually okay. I  came up with a story, about how I did't want a boyfriend and I was happy being by myself and that I wouldn't make a good girlfriend. And while most of that was true, I didn't tell them I was actually terrified at the prospect of having a boyfriend.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Giggles you say.

I hate when people that I don't know giggle and laugh around me. My first immediate reaction is that they are laughing, and making fun of me. Even if they aren't paying attention to me, that is still what I feel is happening.

A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read  book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were not laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.

What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.

I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

And it's just the beginning.

 My childhood was very confusing. I knew there was something different about me and yet I didn't know how to deal with it. Elementary school was a really rough time for me. I cried every time my mother left me. Sometimes the teacher would have to hold me while she left because I would hold onto my mom and not let her leave. 

 When all the children would play I always wanted to join in but was to afraid to ask. I figured if they wanted me to play with them they would have asked, so I spent many a playtime alone, playing with blocks. 

 Another big part of kindergarten experience was the bathroom. I dreaded the bathroom. The bathroom was in the classroom, which I guess is convenient when you're dealing with four and five year old's, but very inconvenient where I was concerned. Because the bathroom was in the classroom you could everything that was going on in there, and that really bothered me. I was not okay with anyone hearing me pee. So to avoid the embarrassment of letting others hear me pee, I would just pee on myself. Apparently five year old me thought peeing on myself was less embarrassing than letting others hear me pee. I peed on myself so much that my mom started packing extra clothes for me in my backpack.  

 My grades even suffered because of my SAD. I would never raise my hand, even if I knew the answer. I was always extremely embarrassed of talking in front of other people, and I hated when the teacher would pick me. And what made it worse what that I didn't understand why I was so afraid to raise my hand. I would see the other children raising their hands, ooh-ing and ah-ing for the teachers to pick on them , and I was so confused. Because class participation was a part of the grading process my grades where suffering from what I didn't understand and didn't know how to explain. 

 Middle school wasn't much better. But by that time I had come to the realization that while in most social situations I felt embarrassed an awkward, other people did not. So I begin to pretend that the things that really bothered me, didn't. I started participating more in school, although still not as much as the other students in the class. I still avoided the bathroom like the plague. Having stalls wasn't much better than the classroom bathroom. Everyone could still hear everything because of the huge gaps and the bottom of the doors. So I would just hold it until I got home (I had become a master pee holder by that point), or if couldn't avoid it, I would go during class because no one was usually in there. I made some friends that I felt comfortable enough around, and I pretended to be just like every else while in side I was still just as nervous and scared. 

 The worst part about middle school was the hormones. It was the time when other children started to get boyfriends and girlfriends, and that absolutely scared me. My friends all had dated at least one person by seventh grade and I felt like if I didn't date anyone they would know something was wrong with me. So of course I jumped on the bandwagon. The first and only relation I have ever had lasted three months.  One day he walked up to me and said, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" and of course I said yes.When ever I saw him I was terrified, I had no idea what to do and I often avoided him. The only time I did see him was in class, and even then I barley spoke to him.  My first and only relation ended quite tragically, his friend (we'll just call him M) broke us up in front the whole class and it was extremely embarrassing. M and and my boyfriend where sitting at the table ahead of me and in front of everyone he just said  " You don't like her, she doesn't like you, so you guys aren't together anymore!" and that was the end of our relationship. But I did like him, I just didn't know how to handle a boyfriend, It was entirely too much pressure for me. 

 High school was a way better experience. I had moved to different school in eight grade so by ninth grade I was fairly comfortable with the people I knew. Class participation was still an issue as was the bathroom, but at that point in my life I had perfected the " I'm just like you" persona. I had a couple of guy friends and  when ever any talk of relationship would come up i'd flee the scene (not literary, of course). While much of my day was spent being nervous or embarrassed or scared, no one ever knew. Not even my best friends, I was too afraid to tell them. And that's not to say that high school wasn't fun, because it was. I had a blast in high school I honestly can't say there was ever a dull moment. But there was always this fear inside of me no matter what I was doing. 

 I would have to say that high school was the time when I  took the most risks with deciding how far I could push my self out of my "comfort zone" (and I use quotation marks because I use that term loosely, my real comfort zone is sitting at home by myself reading a book). I joined Art club, Key club, my schools literary magazine club, and I even went on to be the president of the National Art Honors Society. I also was a part of my schools play for three years ( just background signing and dancing)  and the last year of high school I did stage crew (I was even stage manager). But while it was fun being in the clubs and hanging out with friends I was still scared, and I still didn't know why.

 For most of my high school experience I didn't want to believe that there was anything wrong with me so I just kind of ignored it. I didn't tell my friends or my family because I didn't want to admit to myself that there was a real problem. But in twelfth grade I finally decided that I couldn't pretend anymore, because it wasn't going to go away by pretending it wasn't there. So I started doing research on different types of anxiety disorders and I  finally came across Social Anxiety disorder and it was like such a relief and burden all at the same time. It was very over whelming finally putting a name to everything I had been feeling for so long and I actually started crying. I was relived because I felt like I wasn't crazy and there was actually something making me feel the way the way that I was. And it was burden because I felt that now that it had a name it was real. And I did not want it to be real.