tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79297792864721374282024-03-12T16:05:08.836-07:00Tales from a girl with social anxiety.A diary blog about dealing with social anxiety disorder.
Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-7082155904357347672016-04-01T16:40:00.002-07:002016-04-01T16:40:26.004-07:00It's funny because it's not funny.I like how my break in depression literally lasted 4 days.<br />
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Thanks brain/body/hormones/whatever else.<br />
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<a href="http://talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com/">talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com</a>Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-40478322588164292572016-03-28T11:00:00.001-07:002016-03-28T11:46:10.092-07:00Working with social anxiety AKA the good side of my job<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Heyo!<br />
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So a couple of weeks ago I posted a very long and very rant-y blog about how horrible working with social anxiety is, I still kind of hate my job but I thought I should make a post about the good as well.<br />
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I also might be feeling more up to this post because my depression finally broke about three days ago and I have some time of not feeling completely horrible at the moment and I figured I should use it while it's available.<br />
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So into the goods of working!<br />
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The first good thing about having this job is having somewhere to go most days.<br />
When I wasn't working there would be days at a time where I wouldn't leave the house or even just step out side of door and I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how bad that can be for your mental and physical health. Having this jobs kind of kills all chance of me staying in bed and/or the house all day long.<br />
I'm not saying that it was easy to make myself do this and go to a job that I don't particularly like but for me I didn't really have choice unless I wanted to live on the streets, but regardless of my reasoning, having a job forced me to leave the house and get outdoors which helped with my anxiety and depression. Here is an excerpt from an article that explains some of the benefits of going outdoors:<br />
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<i>Spending time in nature has been shown to lower stress levels, Seattle-based environmental psychologist Judith Heerwagon tells The Huffington Post. “Just looking at a garden or trees or going for a walk, even if it’s in your own neighborhood, reduces stress,” she says. “I don’t think anyone understands why, but there’s something about being in a natural setting that shows clear evidence of stress reduction, including physiological evidence — like lower heart rate.”<br />One reason Mother Nature may work as such a great stress-buster is through scent. The smell of many flowers, including jasmine, lilacs and roses, have been proven to decrease stress and increase relaxation. The scent of fresh pine has even been shown to lower depression and anxiety.</i></blockquote>
The second good thing about having a job is daily social interaction.<br />
When I didn't have a job, someways I wouldn't leave my room at all and would barely speak to my house mates. As you can imagine this is not a very healthy way to live. Humans are social creatures and even if socializing gives me major anxiety it's still healthy. <br />
Do I still get anxious at work when I have to speak with customers? Absolutely! When I see a customer I just repeat "please don't come to me" over and over in my head lol But the truth is that with each day it gets easier and easier to deal with the daily social interactions (the weird thing is that I only get used to interacting socially with the customers at my job behind the counter, it has no effect on how bad my anxiety is in any other type of social situation, but that's a topic for another post).<br />
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The third good thing about having a job is making new connections.<br />
This goes hand in hand with the social interactions but on a more persona level I believe. Before working I couldn't really say I had very many friends besides my sister that is one year older than me. I had acquaintances, but no one I really felt I could call a friend or that I would hang out with. I'm not saying I have that now, but I do have work friends that I enjoy talking to. It's nice to have people at work that I can talk to about mundane things and actually feel comfortable talking with (of course there is problem of the uncomfortable questions about when I'm going to get a boyfriend and of my married and sex talk, which honestly makes me very uncomfortable, but I don't feel comfortable telling them about being ace either, so lose lose situation).<br />
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So that's all the good things I have noticed about having a job.<br />
Btw, if you notice that this blog is lighter than majority of my previous blogs it's because my depression has decided to break and I'm feeling better at the moment, so yay me!<br />
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More post to come soon.<br />
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<a href="http://talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com/" style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #b4a7d6; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com</a>Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-29836890035722218302016-03-04T13:03:00.003-08:002016-11-10T11:04:40.024-08:00So I have job now AKA My job is killing me.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I know I fell off the face of the planet but I've kind of had a lot going on for a few months.<br />
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* For less of my personal life and more of what working with SAD is like for me scroll to "Working with SAD"<br />
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First thing that happened is that I lost the job I had working with my sister. I did office work for my older sister (the one I live with) from about April 2015 to November 2015. Now don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that she allowed me to work for her business, I just feel a little taken advantage of. The office part of her business is run from home, so I was able to work from home which was great. The only not so great part is that I was only getting paid $300 a month. And when I say I did all of her office work I really mean all of it, here is a brief list of some of the things I did,( this taken from my resume btw):</div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Checked and replied to emails to maintain regular communication with coordinators.</span><b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Maintain
regular communication with coordinators via phone. </span><b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Accepted or deny work orders. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Managed invoices, which included submitting, recording, and reviewing.</span><b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Typed bids and sent to clients. </span><b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Organized and managed folders, receipts, and documents. </span><b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Kept track of inventory and order supplies. </span><b><span style="font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Recorded company expenses and revenue on Microsoft Excel. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Managed all employee documents and paperwork. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Created and maintained comprehensive project documentation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">HR work- disciplined employees; </span><span style="font-size: 14.6667px;">communicated job</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> expectations; planned, monitored, appraised, and reviewed job contributions; enforced policies and procedures.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Created handbooks and checklists for specific job related activities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Built website using drag and drop style website builder. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Maintained website and social media outreach. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 11.0pt;">Created both digital and print advertisements. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Now I understand that I live with her so I shouldn't be getting paid full wage but I'm pretty sure I deserved more than that, and to make matters worse "rock-for-brains" (her boyfriend, that's what I call him) had his brother living here as well and he worked for them too doing field work and he got paid normal wage even though he lived in the house too. </div>
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In early November I decided I was done with feeling like I wasn't valued and I decided I wanted to move to another state just to get away and start over. I had big dreams of moving south to be in the warm and to make a new beginning. I told my sister my plan and like two days later she comes to me while I'm working and just says "So this your last day working". And I was confused because at this point she new my plans to leave were on hold because I didn't have enough money because she was paying me dirt cheap. </div>
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So here I am like WTF, now what am I supposed to do? I had bills to pay (cellphone, vet, student loans) and now I didn't even have the little bit of money she was giving me on top of all of this I was expected to pay $250 the next month for rent, which was even more of surprise because when rock-for-brains brother was living with us (he left/got kicked out by this point for other reasons) he didn't have to pay not a cent of rent. </div>
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So I was left desperate for a job but obviously to afraid to get one, besides my sister I had never worked anywhere before. But I guess I have to just get over all of that because I can't change anything about it now. I guess i've just been feeling a lot like this lately:</div>
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<b>Working With SAD</b></div>
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Okay, so once I found out I had to get a job I started applying to places online using the indeed.com site. Not one person gave me a call back and I was sad and broke and starting to backed up on bills. Finally my mother said she would see if she could talk to her boss at the retail place she works to see if I could get an interview and a couple of days later I had one ( an interview, not a job).</div>
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I was terrified, the actual interview process was a complete nightmare. I obviously didn't show it, I have perfected the art of acting normal while slowly dying on the inside years ago. But I felt it in my body, the fear and dread, while still portraying an outward clam. After I got home my interview I was so drained I just fell asleep. </div>
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Fortunately or unfortunately (however you want look at it) I did get the job. And guess what the job was, a freaking cashier! I couldn't have picked a worse position for someone with SAD if I tried. I was terrified during my week of training, there was so much information to retain, not to mention the daily interactions I would have to have with customers. But somehow I gt through it, even when I though I wouldn't. </div>
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My first day working as a cashier wasn't so bad (relatively speaking of course) they put me on a register that didn't have a lot of activity, so it wasn't the worst, and of course I put on my "normal happy girl" facade for the whole day and I actually felt kind of okay. That is until I went home and had a literal breakdown.</div>
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I don't know what caused it but when got home I felt horrible, like working so hard all day and pretending to be normal had finally too it's toll and I just couldn't handle it anymore. But somehow I managed to get up the next morning and do it all over again. </div>
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As i've stated in a previous post, my way of getting through living SAD is to fake it. So that's basically what I do while I'm at work, I pretend like I'm okay, and I pretend like i'm happy. But when I get home I feel broken and like everyday at this job is sucking out a little bit more of soul. Sometime I wonder what my co workers and customers would think if the knew the girl they called "smiley" went home and Googled "quickest was to kill your self" (don't worry, I'm not going to, I just wanted the information in case). </div>
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Don't get me wrong, I did kind of get used to working there, and some of the people I really like. but it's just not where I want to be, and it's started to take it's toll mentally(plus there's a bunch more going on at home that is just wearing me down, and I just can't). Since January I have been horribly depressed and I've felt numb, and empty, and everything all at once. I haven't liked doing much of anything for a while now, I don't paint or draw which are two of my biggest outlets, I don't do yoga, I barely eat (which has more to with my home life than my work life tbh). All I do is read to escape life, and got to work. </div>
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These past few days have been a bit better, I'm at least up for somethings (like finally updating this diary blog) I even started a new painting last night. </div>
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I'm only part time and I don't get paid much but it's better than what I was making. At least I can pay my bills, I'm hoping to be able to move out of my sisters house soon too, becasue I'm pretty sure half of my problems are coming from living here.</div>
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Hopefully with the summer coming up I can get more hours at work so I can afford to leave. I don't like working there but I like it a whole lot better than living here. I think that will immensely improve my mental state. </div>
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So, fingers crossed. </div>
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<a href="http://talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com/">talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com</a></div>
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Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-40923300845892573222015-12-30T21:50:00.003-08:002016-03-04T13:05:10.948-08:00So I have a Tumblr...I've been gone for a while but made a Tumblr, just to have a visual diary along with this written one.<br />
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<a href="http://talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com/">talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com</a><br />
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Do with it what you please.Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-31103541414882595142015-08-23T17:29:00.001-07:002016-03-28T11:00:49.012-07:00How Zoloft helped me realize I was depressed, and alleviate my social anxiety. So, I have been gone a long stretch of time lately and a lot has happened int that time.<br />
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The title might be a little bit confusing considering I have stated many a time that I am very against drugs, prescribed or other wise, but I will get into detail what caused my jump from trying to naturally alleviate my anxiety to medically alleviate it in another post. This post in all about how Zoloft helped me realized I was/am depressed.<br />
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Okay so I'm going to jump right into it. About a month before I graduated college (Yay for me, I actually did it!) I went to a doctors appointment an actually talked to my doctor about my anxiety which was a big deal. After we spoke for a bit she wanted prescribe me with Zoloft to try and help my anxiety, and while I was little bit apprehensive, I decided to try it because at that point I was so fed up with how my anxiety was acting up and the herbs I was using just weren't doing enough. She prescribed me with 25MG because of my height and weight and she didn't want to overwhelm my body I guess.<br />
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I stayed on these for 4 weeks before I went back for a check in, check up. The 25MG didn't do anything for me except make me the drowsiest I have ever been in my life, and give nausea. My nausea was so strange too, I would sporadically get nauseous through out the day, and also when I laughed. It was the strangest sensation to fell nauseous because of a laugh. Luckily the nausea cleared up after week three, unluckily the 25MG's didn't do anything for the SA.<br />
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When I went in for my check in, I told all of this to my doctor and she suggested try out 50MG for another four weeks and come back in with another round of check ups. I was not optimistic after having failed with 25MG and having read so many stories about how sometimes Zoloft only works for certain people.<br />
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Boy, was I surprised. The first thing I noticed that it severely lessened was my depression. I knew that I would become depressed sometimes but I had no idea to what extent I was depressed until I started taking Zoloft and I wasn't as depressed anymore. I think I was so used to living with it that I didn't even notice that something was wrong. The differences I felt in myself were shocking, because I hadn't even realize the my depression was a part of the problem because I was so focused on my SA.<br />
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I noticed a difference in my attitude towards myself and others. I realized how much more lighter I felt, I can't even pin point the exact things it changed I just know that overall I felt so much better about myself and my situation.<br />
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It also helped with my SA. I work for my sister now (we'll get int <i>that </i>in another post) and she was always pushing me to make these calls so certain clients and I would just refuse to do it because my SA would not allow me to, but on Zoloft while I wasn't comfortable and the anxiousness was still there, I was at least able to actually call them.I was also able to walk into a store or order something at a restaurant without freaking out on the inside. I felt a lot more in control of my life, and my decisions. <br />
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I'm not saying that it was a cure, I still had anxiety and depression, but it did help me out a lot with having some sort hold on my life, and since I have had SA since as far back as I can remember that was a big deal to me, I had never felt like that before.<br />
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Even though the Zoloft had helped me tremendously I am no longer taking it. I took the 50MG's for about a month and a half before I stopped. There are a multitude of reasons why I stopped, which I will get into in another post where I will update my personal life.<br />
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I also want to address the brain zaps. I remember reading about the zaps happening when taking Paxil but I can't remember if I read about them happening on Zoloft, but for me they did happened. It's so hard to explain the exact feeling, it doesn't hurt, it kind of feels like feels like of you squeeze your eyes closed very tightly and tighten your whole body to the point where it starts to shake. Except it's that feeling only in you head. lol that's the only way I can think to describe it. It's such a strange feeling. They happened about two weeks after I stopped taking them, and only last about two weeks as well. They were very random, at first I didn't connect the zaps to the Zoloft, I wasn't really keeping track, so I can't say exactly how many times they happened.<br />
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I am kind of sad that I no longer feel the same way I did when taking the Zoloft because when stopped I actually noticed how depressed I am, and how bad my SA can be.<br />
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It sucks having both SA and depression and I found this post which put into words what I have been feeling my whole life:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKxKps-pMPXLjeFqU_aevjk4xaxHMwwFnGEnvq5HMtRcU-GLEEwMJTUibkNz-CpYWG3a2by91DTGAl58k1yD1ttY_NP1cYerfoJq8xcroeIQnC-BBLQXyt5swPZTwYz1ZUG-gNCdLowdM/s1600/11705320_1645336599058752_5549846071317517262_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKxKps-pMPXLjeFqU_aevjk4xaxHMwwFnGEnvq5HMtRcU-GLEEwMJTUibkNz-CpYWG3a2by91DTGAl58k1yD1ttY_NP1cYerfoJq8xcroeIQnC-BBLQXyt5swPZTwYz1ZUG-gNCdLowdM/s320/11705320_1645336599058752_5549846071317517262_n.jpg" width="283" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com/" style="background-color: #f3f3f3; color: #b4a7d6; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com</a>Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-64212693904512835412015-03-23T15:28:00.002-07:002015-03-23T15:28:17.466-07:00II am not happy.<br />
I don't know if I ever will be.Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-25693470018858382352015-03-08T17:47:00.000-07:002015-03-08T17:47:03.904-07:00Right nowI need to get out of here.Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-14345427246611821592015-02-07T08:10:00.000-08:002015-02-07T08:10:42.128-08:00Today is just not a good day. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be a normal functioning human being. <div>
I know that the herbs that I have been taking on my self medicating quest have helped a bit, but it just doesn't seem like enough. </div>
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Sometimes I wake up and I think about what my life is going to be like in ten twenty or thirty years from now, and i have all these fantasies of what I want it to be but they feel pointless. This is not how I imagined my life would be at 22. I have zero independence. I feel like such a burden to all of my family members but I just don't know how to change it. </div>
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Sometimes I think about just leaving so my family doesn't have to deal with me anymore. I'd probably end up homeless somewhere. It makes think if some of the homeless people I see on the streets have social anxiety as well and just couldn't make it. </div>
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When I start to think about what my future will be like I get really depressed. I;m just not happy. I truthfully can't remember the last time I was honestly happy. I;m trying really hard to see the improvements that my SMP have made but at this point they just aren't enough. </div>
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I remember when I was younger and didn't understand why I was so afraid all the time I would tell my self it would get better when I was older. I had fantasies of what kind of person I would be, now that I am the age that those fantasies were based off of I feel like a failure. I am nothing like what I wanted to be. </div>
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I'm just so tired of being afraid. It's not fair. I don't understand what I did wrong to have this. </div>
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Sometimes my heart just beats fast for no reason. This morning I woke up and for no reason what so ever my heart was beating really fast. I was alone in my room so I have no idea why this would happen. Days that start off like this are bound to be bad days. I just don't want to do this anymore. </div>
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I hate that I have to work so hard just live and be happy. </div>
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Today is just not a good day. </div>
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Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-50795458966715138062015-02-02T18:43:00.001-08:002015-02-03T13:12:57.394-08:00Week 4 update - Self medicating social anxietyI made it to the week four mark. Woop!<br />
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This is the week that I began school again. So I think it gave a better chance to see the herbs in action.<br />
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So a quick update, I'm still taking the same dosage as before. I'm taking 1 capsule of 530mg Valerian Root, 1 capsule of 500mg Rhodiola Rosea, and 2 capsules of 650mg Chamomile. I take these every morning with breakfast, or lunch if I'm running late. so onto the update!<br />
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I did just move to a new town so I am taking a new bus and route to school and I don't really work well with unfamiliar things, but i have to say it wasn't that bad. I was still anxious, but I don't think my level was that bad. On a scale from 1 to 10 I was about a 5 on the scale. which is so much better than last semester which I would put at about a 7.<br />
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So my first day back at school was great because I only had one class. It may have made me feel better because it was in a class room and with a teacher that I have had before. I walked into the room and said good morning, GOOD MORNING! I surprised even myself. I don't talk to teachers when I walk in classrooms, and I certainly never say good morning. So I was definitely shocked at my actions lol. I then proceeded to sit down and even though I was in a classroom full of people I don't know I was okay. I would say my anxiety was at a 4 by that point. which is crazy! I'm so freaking excited about my results. I feel like an actual half way normal person.<br />
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The rest of the week continued on in the same manor. I went to my classes I didn't feel overwhelmed. I even spoke in my creative writing class, it was mandatory, but who cares. I spoke up and said what I had to say and that was that. I was still nervous about it but my hands didn't shake at all. Even when I was done my hand still weren't shaking! Usually when I speak my hands shake and even when I'm done they continue to shake for a while after that. So this was pretty spectacular. I'm not sure if this is because I have a pretty tame schedule this semester (yay last semester!) because I only have one class Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and two classes Wednesday. That might have to do with my anxiety level because I'm not being overwhelmed with the amount of people I have to deal with in a day. <br />
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I went into the pool (not swimming, the game) room and hung out with my friends (I use that term loosely, I don't really have friends, we're more like school friends only) and I was fine in there. I left the school with a friend and went to get some Chinese food in her car. I actually rode in the car with just the two of us. I would say my anxiety level was at about a 4 then two. which is a big improvement to last semester when I rode with a group of friends off campus. This makes me happy because before I never would have been able to say i was more comfortable riding in a car with one person where I couldn't hide and had to talk as opposed to a group.<br />
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For the eating healthier aspect, I have been doing great I think. Most days I start out with a homemade smoothie for breakfast. I have a really big hill to walk everyday to and from the bus so I get some good exercise in daily.<br />
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I did not get the chance to do any yoga during week 4. Not going to make up excuses, I just kind of forgot or I didn't want to stop reading (this is a whole other issue that I will address in another post). I do have my laptop back now, so that gives me a better opportunity to check out some yoga videos.<br />
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I think I had great results for my fourth week. This really make me hopeful. I'm not saying that I'm ready to start applying for jobs or anything, but I really do think that I made great improvements this week.<br />
<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-14573672222143550652015-01-30T18:49:00.000-08:002015-02-03T13:13:59.695-08:00Week 2 and 3 update - Self medicating social anxietyOkay, so I'm going to do an update on week two and three because I didn't do week two, two weeks ago or week three last week. My laptop was being repaired and I really didn't want to write this on my cousins tablet that I've been borrowing. I did the the last couple of posts on it and its really annoying because its broken and only allows me to touch half of the screen and I have to keep flipping it upside down. But now I finally have my laptop back. I haven't used it since October, but I had to get it repaired because classes started again and I have two online classes this semester. Okay on to the update!<br />
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Week Two:<br />
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So a quick update. I am taking Chamomile, Rhodiola Rosea, and Valerian Root capsules daily along with trying eat healthier, getting outside daily, and starting yoga again.<br />
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Last week I said that I was taking one 530mg Valerian capsule, two 500mg Rhodiola capsules, and two 650mg Chamomile capsules. Since then I have switched back to taking one Rhodiola capsule. I thought the label said "take 1 to 2 capsules daily" but it actually says" take one 1 capsule 1 to 2 times daily".<br />
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I was taking both at the same time with the rest if the capsules. I have since decided to go back down to one capsule because I'm taking the Rhodiola together with the Chamomile and Valerian and I don't to over do it.<br />
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I did go outside at least one time a day in the second week and I also did get some yoga done. I did some painting as well which is a great way to calm my mind. I have started to eat better, but I plan doing even better.<br />
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Unlike the week before, in week two I actually went somewhere so I got the chance to see the "medication" in action. I went to the mall with my mother and my sisters boyfriends brother, lol that's a mouthful. I was returning a jacket and when I went to talk to the cashier I did notice that I wasn't as nervous (read: terrified out of mind) as I normally am. I also had to find my receipt and sign something and my hands barely even shook.<br />
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I count that as win in my book any day. I'm really excited because it seams like the herbs are really starting to take effect. Even if it's just a placebo effect I'm okay with that. Onto week three!<br />
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Week Three:<br />
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During week three I did get some more interaction with the outside world. I had to send of my laptop to be repaired. I went to the post office looking around for a large flat rate box and when I couldn't find the one I wanted I actually went to the window and asked the lady if they had the size box I needed. I count that as a win. I don't know if I was feeling brave that day, or if it was because the post office was empty, or because of the herbs, but either way I feel pretty good about being able to ask the window lady something while being there all on my own.<br />
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Of course when I came back with box and no label and the lady looked at me like I was stupid when I handed her a label-less box I felt completely and utterly mortified. I had to move to the side and write my label on and this time I wasn't so lucky to have an empty post office.<br />
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In my defense I haven't sent many packages where I had to write a label on it. I always just print out the prepaid for ones from Paypal. I thought if i went to the window she would just put one of those labels on the box.<br />
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Anyways, I also got some yoga done in the second week. But i think i need to watch an actual video and follow along to get a proper yoga session in because I can't always remember the poses I want to do. I think I'll start the 30 day yoga challenge again that's on Youtube.<br />
Here is the link: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcjgXQkHWH453km2BpJqYHzmkUkkjH5IB" target="_blank">30 day yoga challenge</a>.<br />
I would also like to do some of these poses that are specific to anxiety in this article:<br />
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<a href="http://www.stylecraze.com/articles/effective-yoga-poses-to-cure-anxiety/?ref=pin" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuNHEwZnPfY9fAzayCitgn_kyuQc6PYtNn1vE9YenK5ouHvHxCXCzGwgJSvxF0e4lJoDy0C1Z336QvmpHFAN8uYoMe4xndI_YahC6lBxTwMtlA97O-Tygi_v3D-DsmwhRa1miFvw1BHlc/s1600/e878402f7e3f12a69ece813177640670.jpg" height="200" width="179" /></a></div>
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I got some painting done as well. As for eating healthier I think I'm getting there. I'm doing better every week.<br />
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I'll have an update of week 4, which is this week we're in right now on Sunday. This is also the week I started school, so it should be an interesting update.<br />
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<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-53053601749673954592015-01-12T17:52:00.001-08:002015-01-13T06:42:21.820-08:00week 1 update - self medicating social anxiety So, its been one week since I decided to start self medicating my social anxiety. Time for an update!<br />
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I have been taking Valerian root 530mg<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqGouE3y0OajsVxr8-OUsTE6zTw1iiLhgYeDtBCBsnkKKSB8OHk12JVk2O-80_Mj_5FfkFWErsjxZoa4XX3lj44QkUNCSSOFqp0T2GxkfjbN8PbJnXtcxOeSwEKcHKcV9VxIB1MJ6raBs/s1600/valerian-root-530-mg-100-vegetarian-capsules-by-natures-way.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqGouE3y0OajsVxr8-OUsTE6zTw1iiLhgYeDtBCBsnkKKSB8OHk12JVk2O-80_Mj_5FfkFWErsjxZoa4XX3lj44QkUNCSSOFqp0T2GxkfjbN8PbJnXtcxOeSwEKcHKcV9VxIB1MJ6raBs/s1600/valerian-root-530-mg-100-vegetarian-capsules-by-natures-way.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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Last week I said that I would decide whether the Valerian root made me to drowsy, and if I would switch to taking it at night. After a week of using it, I don't feel any drowsiness at all. One con with this is that these capsules are a bit large and I have a hard time swallowing pills as it is. Another con is that these capsules do not have the most pleasant smell lol. I am taking one these daily.<br />
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I'm also taking Chamomile 650mg<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJpyUN3Dp_RszFeU1qHlAyK36HNN2ugLSZko9NRHYzW7ajkz-E9yk8pkbxRS3RTokph3V_d45swx292Mjhs40GTHgC0VxIkZDJE6e1z5gnltXjeVE3KNh215sGAGkg9swI-jBXuVr8TvU/s1600/chamomile-flower-90-vegetarian-capsules-by-natures-answer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJpyUN3Dp_RszFeU1qHlAyK36HNN2ugLSZko9NRHYzW7ajkz-E9yk8pkbxRS3RTokph3V_d45swx292Mjhs40GTHgC0VxIkZDJE6e1z5gnltXjeVE3KNh215sGAGkg9swI-jBXuVr8TvU/s1600/chamomile-flower-90-vegetarian-capsules-by-natures-answer.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
I really like the taste of chamomile and these capsules are easy to swallow because they are on the small side. They smell great too. I upped the dosage of these to two daily, because its suppose to have a calming effect and I seriously need that. I wasn't feeling like I was seeing any results and I felt like I needed to take more of them. So I am currently taking two daily.<br />
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The last thing I'm taking is Rhodiola rosea 500mg<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwo-IDq6hcsuhp7Vib6m8kvVsG0jxdf-_a_byWLXL0F0Fm_ZYoU0zhEXmVmLaJ6RuMqpsLEF24mu-ZVL_MrK2LJG4spB5hQr6tNLyjS2bWJyFUv1zkwGhQh50X_ZOx8iJ46QekMOAbLaY/s1600/rhodiola-500-mg-60-vegetarian-capsules-by-now.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwo-IDq6hcsuhp7Vib6m8kvVsG0jxdf-_a_byWLXL0F0Fm_ZYoU0zhEXmVmLaJ6RuMqpsLEF24mu-ZVL_MrK2LJG4spB5hQr6tNLyjS2bWJyFUv1zkwGhQh50X_ZOx8iJ46QekMOAbLaY/s1600/rhodiola-500-mg-60-vegetarian-capsules-by-now.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
These are also smaller capsules. They don't have much of taste and I don't really mind taking them. For the first couple of days I was taking one of these but I switched to two soon after. Probably not for the best of reasons. I just wasn't seeing any results and I felt like I should up the dosage because I'm really feeling the pressure to get out my sisters house and find a job. So I am currently taking two of these daily also.<br />
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So, for the first week of my self medicating I haven't noticed any differences. I still feel just as anxious as before. I know that none of these will be a quick fix. I know that it will also take more than a week for me to noticeably feel the difference. I am still going to stick to this plan. I think I will have to wait until school starts back up again to really see if there are any differences in the way I feel because right now, I pretty much do nothing lol.<br />
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As for the rest of my plan, I have been outside everyday. Even if its just for a little while, I have taken the time to go outdoors everyday.<br />
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With trying to eat better I will say that I have been doing a bit better but not by much because I still don't feel very comfortable eating the food in my sisters house. I have been doing a bit better though. I just have to keep trying or wait until I move out to reach my goal of eating only fruits and vegetables.<br />
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As for the yoga, not gonna lie, I have yet to even start it. I just haven't had much alone time to do it. And I don't feel comfortable doing it while there are other people around. I will try harder though. I really don't like making excuses, so I will try to get some yoga in this week.<br />
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Although I haven't felt much of a change this week I will stick to my plan. I think I should give it at least a month before I decided if this just isn't working and I need to get on Paxil. But so far I am very hopeful that this is going to work.Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-66210904720032782122015-01-08T19:50:00.000-08:002016-11-10T11:11:48.178-08:00Beautiful Daydream - Maladaptive daydreaming and social anxiety. I know that I spoke about coping mechanisms briefly in my previous post and about maladaptive daydreaming. I will go into a lot more detail I this post.<br />
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Okay, so this is bit of a challenge for me.<br />
I don't know if its just me or other maladaptive daydreamers feel the same way, but I am very attached and protective of the worlds I create for myself. So to talk about them is a little hard for me.<br />
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The reason I am doing this is because I find very little information about this. And I find even less personal stories about it. I actually didn't even know there was a word for what I was doing until a couple of months ago, and that there were other people that did the same thing.<br />
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So first, some facts.<br />
Maladaptive daydreaming is excessive daydreaming. Maladaptive daydreamers are usually people who have social anxiety or depression. Maladaptive daydreaming goes a step further than regular daydreaming. The daydreams are extensive, vivid, and intricate. The daydreamers become emotionally invested in the characters and become attached. They are usually not separate daydreams each time, but a one long daydream with, a plot, main characters, reappearing characters, friends, and villains.<br />
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Although unlike schizophrenics, maladaptive daydreamers know the difference between reality and their fantasy, they have trouble stopping the daydreams or focusing on regular tasks. Some people have experienced a negative affect in their real lives.<br />
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These daydreams are often accompanied by a repetitive movement in the daydreamers along with laughing, gesturing, whispering, crying, and other facial expressions and movements. The daydreamers are trying to emulate the characters in their fantasies.<br />
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A big part of maladaptive daydreaming is pop culture and the world around the daydreamer. Anything from a song, commercial, TV show, movie, book, photo, etc can trigger a daydream to start. Majority of the time some of the characters or places already exist in a movie, book, show, or some other form of pop culture.<br />
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So now that we're done with the facts, I will tell you about my experiences in maladaptive daydreaming.<br />
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I have been a maladaptive daydreamer for as long as I can remember. My first memory of a daydream is what I like to call "the bread and butter bird". When I was about four or five and my aunt would walk me to school she would always say bread and butter when she split a pole. It was some type of weird superstitious thing. Of course me being only four I began to say it too, but as I also had social anxiety I never felt comfortable enough to say it out loud, so I would say it in my head. Thus the bread and butter bird was born. He was a bird that only ate bread and butter but he could only eat if I said "bread and butter" in my head. He lived in a world where they loved to be fat in the summer and thin in the winter. Its silly I know, but I was four! Lol. I still find myself visiting my old bird friend on occasion. He was my main daydream until I was about six.<br />
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My second daydream was of a boy named Kevin. He would walk with with me school and play with me when I had no one to play with. I very clearly remember telling my mother and sister about him and being very clear that he was my imaginary friend but it was alright, because I knew he was imaginary so I wasn't crazy lol. He was my main daydream and stayed my main daydream from then to present.<br />
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Kevin started out as the main character I guess you could call it until about middle school. He then was demoted into second main character, and "I" was introduced into the picture. Before this I, as in my actually self would interact with my daydreams and they would interact with me and the going on's in my life. When "I" was brought into the picture my actually self took a step back and I became the main character in the form of a girl named Iiolana. Iiolana (Alana, don't ask me why I spelled it like that) was Kevin's best friend. This is the time when pop culture began to have a big impact on my daydreams. I don't feel comfortable going into to much detail, but this is when my daydreams started to get more detailed and more character's.<br />
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Later on Iiolana got demoted by the current main character (CMC) whose name I don't feel comfortable saying and I really don't want to get into to much detail about the current daydream. But I will say the Iiolana and the CMC are friends, not best friends, but friends none the less. Kevin is also still there, and him and Iiolana are now in a relationship. What I will say is that my current "cast" for lack of a better word has been here since high school with a couple of add on's over the years. They consist of 8 "main" girls 14 "main" boys and about 25 other minor characters. Pop culture has made a huge impact on my daydream but my main characters "me" are never a part of the pop culture influences.<br />
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Although I am the main character majority of the time I do go into the minds of the other characters and act as them form time to time, but majority of the time, they kind of act on their own. Its kind of hard to explain.<br />
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Although this has been my main daydream for years I have had a couple of other sub-dreams while I've had this big main one.<br />
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There was the two guys Neji, and Hajii. I believe I was Neji. As you can tell this is from when I was heavily into anime. And, no Neji was not the character from Naruto, the only influence I took was the name. They came about when I got my DS and used the picto-chat to "chat" with Hajii. And yes, although I am a girl Neji was indeed a boy in this daydream. They didn't last for very long. Only until about the time that I stopped using my DS.<br />
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The other sub-dream was the vampires, as I like to call them. Surprisingly the only influence I took from pop culture in this daydream was the fact that my characters were vampires. They were also a pretty extensive daydream with about 10 characters in total. Which is the most that any of daydreams have had besides the main daydream. In this daydream I was also a guy, named volcad. This was one of my longer sub-daydreams. I liked this one so much that I often times tried to revisit it after it had died down, but for some reason I just couldn't get back into it.<br />
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Surprisingly the only other daydream that I have been able to revisit along with my main one is the bread and butter bird. Lol I think I find it hard to let go of the first one I can remember. Its also the most simple of the daydreams and the easiest to get back into. Its like revisiting an old friend.<br />
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Now for the effects it's has had on my life I'm not to sure about. I have never been the best at keeping friends, but I think that has more to do with my SA and less to do with my daydreaming. I do sometimes find myself having a hard time focusing on things when I'm when I want to be with my daydreams or when something happens and I suddenly have inspiration to do something in the daydream.<br />
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I know that I am horrible at directions because ofmy daydreams. Because of my SA I don't have a drivers license so I am either on public transportation or being driven by a family member. Most of the time I use this time to daydream. Its not like I do it on purpose. Its like my body can't even help it. I have to actively make myself pay attention and stop myself fro daydreaming if I really want to know directions but even then I still get them wrong. I think my daydreaming contributes to my bad sense of direction but I think that might just be something I would be bad at even if didn't daydream lol.<br />
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Most of the time I can incorporate what I'm doing daily into what I'm doing in the daydream. Like if I'm going shopping then the me in my daydream is also going shopping, of I'm taking a shower then the daydream me is also taking a shower etc.<br />
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The most time I daydream is either right before I go to bed or right after I wake up. I have a hard time getting to sleep but I'm not sure if that's because I daydream at that time or if I daydream because I have a hard time falling asleep. On average it probably takes me about 30 minutes to fall asleep. Which gives me plenty of time to spend with my daydream.<br />
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As for the facial expressions and the gestures and what not, I do find myself doing those a lot. Never when I'm around other people. I will laugh, whisper, cry, gesture, and make facial expressions as if I'm actually the daydream "me".<br />
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I find myself having a hard time letting go of my daydreams. If I could get rid of them with a majic pill I don't think I would. I am too attached to them. I am very emotionally invested with them. I don't think they have a detrimental effect on my daily life or that they would on my life in the future. I don't just sit in the house all day with my daydreams. I incorporate them into my life so I don't just spend hours at a time just sitting alone with them.<br />
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Daydreaming is one of my coping mechanisms. It's what helps me get through my days. I don't know how I would get through my days without daydreaming.<br />
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Although I use this blog as a personal diary that I can just express myself anonymously I do hope this post will help someone who is also a maladaptive daydreamer.<br />
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<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-13697939076245427982015-01-03T14:07:00.001-08:002015-01-13T06:46:25.091-08:00Pass me the herbs please! Before I lay out the specifics of my plan with self medicating, I just want to say that I am in no way telling people to copy what I am doing. I have decided to do this on my own with out the help of any doctors or therapists involved.<br />
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Now I would also like to say that I know there is no magic cure for SAD. I know that I'm not going to wake up tomorrow suddenly a different person. My goal is to reach a point where my anxiety level is manageable enough for me to get a job. That is my ultimate goal, getting a job and working towards being more independent and moving out of my sisters house.<br />
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As I said in my last post, in my research about medication to help treat SAD I came across this article: <a href="http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/treatmentoptions/a/supplements.htm?utm_source=zergnet&utm_medium=tcg_internal&utm_campaign=Zergnet-InternalHero" target="_blank">socialanxietydisorder.about.com/treatmentoptions</a><br />
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After reading up on each of these herbs, I decided to try a combination of Chamomile, Valerian root, and Rhodiola rosea.<br />
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I know that there are medications the help with dealing with social anxiety, but I am personally really against medication. So before I try any prescription medication I would like to try a natural remedy.<br />
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<u>Part One</u><br />
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The first part of my self medicating plan (SMP) is to take each of the herbs listed above daily.<br />
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I ordered these a couple of days ago, and I just received them yesterday. I ordered them from <a href="http://pureformulas.com/" target="_blank">pureformulas.com</a> they have free shipping and the prices are really low. I would have just gotten them from Amazon but because I am a vegetarian I had to do a little searching around for vegetarian capsules. The brands I ordered are Nature's Answer for the chamomile, 650mg. Nature's Way for the Valerian root, 530mg, and Now for the Rhodiola, 500mg.<br />
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Although the backs of the bottles suggest taking more than one capsule, or taking it more than once a day I'm just going to ignore that lol. Because I am taking these all together and not alone, I think that if I were to take more than one of each I might be over doing it. The only that I might take two of is the chamomile because its the one I'm most familiar with.<br />
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The bottle of rhodiola says to take it before bed, because I suppose it makes you drowsy but I think I might do a trial taking it in the morning with rest of them and see how I feel after a week. If I'm to drowsy then I'll switch it to night time.<br />
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I think that taking these daily will help decrease my anxiety.<br />
Onto part two.<br />
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<u>Part Two</u><br />
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Part two of my SMP is to start to eat right again. I don't think I can fight my anxiety with out getting my mind and body on the right track. I used to eat very good until I moved in with my sister and started to feel like my move was being watched. Now I just hurry up and make what ever will take the shortest amount of time and go back to my room. I Need to get back to the way I used to eat.<br />
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Part two of my plan involves eating healthier foods, and drinking more water. A while ago after I did the lemon cleanse I stopped eating preservatives and artificial colors. I would like to get back to this way of eating. My ultimate goal is to eat majority of fruits and vegetables for all my meals. Because I'm already a vegetarian this would not be that hard of goal to reach. I was raised a vegetarian and have never tasted meat or fish in my life.<br />
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The only problem with this is that I don't feel comfortable eating the food in my sisters house, so I'm going to figure out a way to be able to pay for the fruits and vegetables I want to eat.<br />
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I really think this combined with the herbs will go long way in reducing my anxiety. I think that I'm going to have to work from the inside out to get the results I want, and that's going to start with eating healthier.<br />
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<u>Part Three</u><br />
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Part three of my SMP is to start doing yoga again. For me, yoga works as a way to calm mind.<br />
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I used to do yoga all the time until I moved, and the house was to crowded, and I didn't really feel comfortable doing it in front of any of the members of my family. So I stopped. But now that we moved into this bigger house and I semi have some privacy in the room I share, I think that I would be able to find the time to start again.<br />
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The only way I'm going to be able to get a handle on my anxiety is to calm my mind. The three things that work in calming my mind are yoga, reading, drawing/painting, crafting and other art related stuff, and daydreaming (maladaptive daydreaming to be exact, but we'll get into that another time). Because I already do the other two I think I need to add yoga back into the mix.<br />
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Not only does it relax my mind, but it also relaxes my body. Which will also be big help because my shoulders are always so tense because of my SA. <br />
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I really believe that that these three in combination will help me with my anxiety.<br />
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<u>Part four</u><br />
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The fourth and final part of my SMP is to go outside at least once a day, even if its just to walk the dog. No matter how short the amount of time, I need to get outside everyday.<br />
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Not only do I feel like I need to get sunlight everyday, I don't think me spending days at a time in the house is doing me any favors. Even if I don't interact with anyone while I'm outside at least I got some fresh air for the day. I think this is another thing that help with calming my mind. I don't think staying cooped up in the house is helping at all, infact its probably making me worse. So I plan on going outside everyday, even if its just for a little while.<br />
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I think that with all of things working together, and with trying to improve my outlook and setting a goal ( getting a job, so that I can move out of my sisters house) will really help me to get a better handle on my anxiety.<br />
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When I came across the article I mentioned earlier I was in a really bad place and I think finding that article helped me to dig my self out of that spot. I think I have hope now, where as before I has none and I had basically given up on ever getting better with out using drugs (prescription or recreational).<br />
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I will be posting weekly updates on how this working out for me.<br />
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I really think this is going to work. Fingers crossed.<br />
<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-21257445858279050712015-01-02T21:43:00.000-08:002016-11-10T11:15:09.583-08:00Self Medicating Social Anxiety. So I have been missing for a while.<br />
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A lot has been going on lately and I haven't had time to just sit and write.<br />
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I finished a semester and a half of college and I only have one semester left to graduate, go me! But that's not what this post is about. I will have a post later on talking about being in college while also dealing with social anxiety. And I also have new insights into my "fake it until you make it" post. But that will all come later.<br />
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Right now, I want to talk about self medicating.<br />
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I have always steered clear of drugs (prescription and recreational) and alcohol. I feel that if I were to start partaking in some fun with them I would turn into an addict. Not because I have a particularly addicting personality, but because I think for just a little while they would help alleviate my anxiety. I would then want to get more and more of that feeling and before I know it I'll end up being an addict or alcoholic. And I do not want that to happen. So just to be on safe side I have never done either. Also alcohol tastes like pee to me lol.<br />
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Now, prescription drugs I have been against my whole life. For me personally I feel like even although they might help the problem right now, they will cause even more problems in the future. I also think they they are slowly killing people from the inside out ( but hey, what's not these days?). So because of my views on this I knew I had reached a breaking point when I decided that I wanted to start on Paxil.<br />
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What brought me to this point was a number of things. But I suppose I should start at the beginning. This is going to be a long one.<br />
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Two years ago my mother was laid off. I had not been in school at the time, hadn't had a job, and was completely dependent on my mother. I knew there was a problem with this because I was twenty and never had a job, was not in school, and needed my mother for everything. Very quickly, my mom loosing her job became a problem.<br />
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I have two sisters. My older sister that we'll call Paris, and my sister this is only one year older than me that well call Ally.<br />
Ally lived with me and my mother when my mom lost her job. Paris lived about two hours away from me and my mom. When Paris found out that my mom lost her job she suggested that we come live with her. In her two bedroom apartment, with her 5 year old son. But I don't exactly have room to complain seeing as I was jobless and not able to help out in any way what so ever. So within about a week we were all packed up and ready to go.<br />
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Ally could not come with us because she was still in school and Paris' house was to far away. So she stayed with my cousin. And this was a big blow because me and Ally are best friends and she understands more about my SA then any other family member. But there was nothing I could do about it.<br />
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Living with Paris wasn't really all that bad. Except for having to share a room with my mom and nephew. We all got along pretty good. An then of course just as I was getting used to living in a new place, starting school again for the first time in four years, and getting comfortable something happened.<br />
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Paris' boyfriend moved in with us. Now I was never the biggest fan of her boyfriend. To be honest I don't really like him. If he wasn't my sisters boyfriend, he is not the type of person I would even associate with. I tried to give him benefit of the doubt and just get along with him but he would always do something that pissed me off. For one, he is one of the most sexist people I have ever met, he talks to my sister any way he wants, he's not brightest crayon in the box, and he has anger management issues.<br />
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I couldn't exactly voice my opinions though because it was not my house and I wasn't paying any bills so I didn't have any say in the matter. We all lived together for a year, and it was not the most pleasant of times. I was always being watched when I ate stuff because apparently if I wasn't paying for the food I had to be watched to make sure I didn't eat to much of it. They always wanted to know exactly what I was doing, why I was on my computer so much. It was a mess and I wasn't just imagining this because of my SA, I actually heard them talk about this stuff when they forgot I was in the house. And I guess I can't blame them, I was living in their house.<br />
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About a year into living together my sister and her boyfriend decided they needed a bigger house because she was now pregnant. You can imagine the joy I felt at this news that her boyfriend was now a permanent fixture in our lives. (that's a sarcastic voice BTW). So the plan was for all of us to get a big house that we could all comfortably live in. At this point the job my mom had was not paying her a lot and she was paying the lights, and cable bill, plus buying food for the house.<br />
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One day suddenly they (my sister and her douche face boyfriend) dropped the bomb they didn't want us to live with them anymore. They said they only wanted it to be their little family. So that ruined a lot for me and my mom. That meant she would have to find a better paying job or a second one. And that I would too have to try to find some form of employment which, just the idea of it sent my anxiety into overdrive.<br />
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About a month later it was decided that we could stay with them because it was clear we could not survive on our own (my mom had been looking for more work but was not finding anything). But then it was awkward because we now knew they didn't want us there. About three weeks ago we moved into the new house. It's a four bedroom house which would have been ideal except my sisters boyfriend moved his little brother in because where he lived was not a good place for him to be. I actually like him. He nice and not like his brother at all and we get along great. The only problem is that now, he has one of four bedrooms. My nephew has the other and my sister and get boyfriend the third. Which only leaves one bedroom left. So me and my mother are now sharing a room again.<br />
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It's not so bad, at least there is more room in this house than the other one, but it's still not where I want to be. They are both still watching every move I make to the point where I feel like I have to sneak around the house just to eat( and I don't eat a lot, I'm 5'1" and 105lbs, some days I forget to eat!) . I understand that me not having a job is inconveniencing them and that I'm probably a burden to majority of the family, but its not like I do absolutely nothing. I tried to start my own online business making handmade jewelry and home decor but that is very sporadic and only brings in like $30 a month. I clean the house daily, I work for my sister when she needs me to, for free (she also has her own business, but hers is successful). I watch her son whenever, no questions asked. When I got my refund check I gave them money to get us into the new house, bought food, threw her a baby shower with my mom, and paid for stuff around the house.<br />
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I'm just uncomfortable living here where I know I'm not really wanted. But the thought of me getting a job nearly gives me a heart attack. And this is why we are back to the Paxil. Last week I decided that I need to get a job and move out of here. But that still nearly scares me to death. Not that I'm suicidal, but it scares me so much that the thought of doing it literally made me want to kill my self. I just don't want to have to be afraid anymore. I know that's like giving up and letting my SA win but I just didn't care. I'm not strong enough, and I just wanted to give up.<br />
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I then decided that if I was going to have thoughts like that then I might as well just suck it up and get on some medication. Even though I believe the medication is bad, so is living a half life, to afraid to do the things I really want to. That's when I started to research Paxil.<br />
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Some how in my Paxil research I ended up coming across this article: <a href="http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/treatmentoptions/a/supplements.htm?utm_source=zergnet&utm_medium=tcg_internal&utm_campaign=Zergnet-InternalHero" target="_blank">socialanxietydisorder.about.com/treatmentoptions</a><br />
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I did some more research on all the herbs listed in the article and I decided to try a combination of Valerian Root, Chamomile, and Rhodiola Rosea. I will be documenting my experience on this blog probably weekly. I'm really hopeful that this is going to work. The last thing I want to do is get on medication, but if this doesn't work then I will have no choice but to because I can't live here any more.<br />
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I will make another post shortly after this one explaining my plan in more detail and more specifics about what I plan to do to with self medicating my self.<br />
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I'm hopeful.<br />
<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-22241379646695432082014-07-03T20:17:00.003-07:002015-01-02T22:01:35.209-08:00Sometimes. Sometimes I think life is hopeless. I hate this planet.Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-42918941276387114262013-08-18T11:44:00.000-07:002015-01-02T22:00:38.844-08:00Keep Calm and Kill Me Now.I have orientation this Thursday. I feel like i'm about to throw up.<br />
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Every time I think about the up coming date, my heart goes into overdrive. I feel very much out of my comfort zone and i'm not even there yet. I have no idea how i'm going to handle being there. I know in my previous post I spoke about how I " fake it" to get through tough situations (read: my life), but that doesn't really help me with the internal battle that will be going on inside my head. </div>
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"Faking it" is more of a technique I use to not let myself get too caught up in my head and let my anxiety win. But while i'm outwardly cool, calm, and collected, i'm inwardly hyperventilating , second guessing my self, and freaking the eff out. "Faking it" and displaying and outward calm doesn't stop the feelings, it just makes it so that no one else know that I am silently wishing for the world to end so that I don't have to deal with life anymore. And it's thoughts like this that make me want to fake even more, because I can't let thoughts like this win, I can't let having SAD ruin my life. I have to fight back, and take control. But I digress. </div>
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The point is, i'm freaking out about orientation. There is going to be a lot of people there, and i'm going to have to act the like a normal functioning human being, when all I really want to do hide under a rock. At least I won't be alone. My mom and aunt are going to come with me, so that takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. The only thing is that I feel kind of stupid for needing them. I'm twenty years old and I need my mom to come with me because i'm scared. I try to fight having SAD, but sometimes I lose. </div>
Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-37498831340167034272013-08-17T14:16:00.002-07:002015-01-02T22:00:15.985-08:00Fake it 'till you make it. I will be starting college in about a week. Kill me now.<br />
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I imagine my college experience will be like my high school experience only magnified times ten. I'm feeling very anxious just thinking about it. But I will get through this the same way I got through high school. By "faking it". I find that pretending to not have SAD is very helpful when put in situation like this. Because of high school I've become a master at "faking it". None of best friends even suspected anything was wrong, and these were the people I spent the most time around.<br />
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My strategy for" faking it", isn't very good, but it works for me. I simply display an outward calm, and self control, pretending that i'm very comfortable in my skin, while I freak the eff out in my head. See, I told you it's not the best plan, but it actually works.<br />
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Example: I recently had to go up to my school to take a placement test (annoying). When I finished with the test there was guy sitting and waiting for his turn, I was already feeling pretty anxious just by being in the school. I handed in my test and went to make my way back down the steps and out of the building, only problem being, I couldn't find the freaking stairs (How do you lose stairs?). I walked all the way down the hall an then back up looking for the stairs feeling like a complete and utter retard because the guy was looking at me and probably wondering what I was doing walking up and down the hall. When I finally found the stairs, I was mortified. They were like 3 feet in front of the guy and by this point it was pretty obvious that to him that it was the stairs I was looking for. At this point I had two choices, I could be embarrassed and silently sulk down the stairs, or I could suck it up and "fake" my way out an embarrassing situation. Being a master" faker", I obviously chose option number two. I looked at the stairs and chucked a bit and then said " Wow, I must be blind" and then the guy smiled and then I smiled and made my way down the steps looking like a girl who isn't embarrassed by getting a little lost.<br />
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Some people may see this as being a fake person, but I don't. The way I see myself with SAD is like I have two different sides of me. The SAD side of me clearly has no common sense. She's of things that should't scare her and completely unreasonable. And then there is the side of me without SAD who is reasonable, who knows that being around someone that you don't know doesn't mean you should be scared of them, and who know that talking to someone the phone should't be something that is feared. It's like I have these two sides warring inside of me. I feel like the SAD side of me controls the anxious feelings and thoughts while other side of me controls my mouth, and actions. I feel like while i'm "faking it" i'm just being the person I would have been without the SAD, that i'm being me. It's just a version of me that doesn't feel very comfortable saying and doing the things that i do, but does them anyways. I know it's kind of complicated and hard to explain, but this is the best I could do.<br />
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I plan on continuing this in college, because I think it's the only way I could get through it. I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone is a person, just like me. That it's okay to be embarrassed sometimes, but that I can't let it take over. I won't let having having SAD ruin my college experience, or make me miss out things that I will regret when I get older. I won't let having SAD make a recluse who is to afraid of life to live it.<br />
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<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-62457857375134706082013-06-24T11:47:00.000-07:002015-01-02T21:57:49.467-08:00I guess my life is beginning. In August I will be starting my first year of college. I will be a twenty year old freshman. I am feeling a bit torn at the moment about this. I feel like since I will be older than majority of the freshman, I should feel less nervous. Like I have less to prove because we're not exactly in the same age group. But then I also feel nervous because I will be older than most of the freshman and will probably be looked at like a fool, for taking so long to go to college.<br />
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I've been trying to suck it up and just get on with my life. I don't want to let having SAD be the reason why I have so many regrets later on in life. It's easy telling my self to just 'suck it up' now, but i'm afraid what will happen when I actually begin school. I don't want to be the weird girl, who has no friends. I would love to make friends while in college, but I just don't know how.<br />
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On top of all of that, I recently moved so I will know absolutely no one. Which again leaves me feeling torn. I love that this is a chance to start over. That I won't have any preconceived notions made about from me from people that knew me in high school. On the other hand I am also sacred to be starting school at a place where I will be virtually alone. I have no one that I can go to. And it's very intimidating to know that I have to do this all on my own. I'm used to having people with me that I can ask to do things for me, like ordering my food, or asking the teacher something. I will no longer that luxury. I have to figure out how to do things all on my own. And i'm scared.<br />
<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-68600147570655878242012-04-17T12:10:00.006-07:002015-01-02T21:59:36.945-08:00The dreaded question.When I was in high school my grandfather would always ask me " You don't have a boyfriend right?" And it was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to have one. I guess he thought I should be more focused on my school work, and I had no problem with that. It was an easy question to answer. Of course I didn't have a boyfriend. I had lots of guy friends and I was, for the most part, okay with them, but as soon I 'd see signs of any of them liking me I would run for hills. The question was always a sort of confirmation for me, in a world of boyfriends, girlfriends, hookups, and break ups (high school) I was never a part of any of it, but at least I had one person who had no problem with it and actually encouraged me to not get a boyfriend.<br />
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But when I graduated high school, the question suddenly changed from "You don't have a boyfriend right?" to "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" It's like he thinks that now that i'm an "adult" (19) I need to have a boyfriend. I guess I can understand where he is coming from, he just wants me to happy and you know how old people are (you need a man to make you happy).<br />
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What's even more upsetting is that he's not the only one who continues to ask the dreaded question. My older brother always asks me if I have a boyfriend yet, and my cousins, and aunts and uncles, and old classmates. I hate it! I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. I would <i>not </i>be able to handle a boyfriend. I would completely freak out. I can hardly handle answering the door for the mail man!<br />
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What makes it worse is that my sister who only one year older me has had boyfriends since she was in the ninth grade and she is now is 3 year relationship. People see her and then me and they're like " Why don't you have a boyfriend?" It's so frustrating! They seem to think something is wrong with me because I have never had a boyfriend. Then there is the idiots who think i'm a lesbian just because I've never had a boyfriend. And i'm like "Really? No boyfriend automatically equals lesbian?"<br />
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I just hate it when people say "you've <i>never </i>had a boyfriend?" Like it's the most shocking thing in the world. It's not like I said I've never seen the sun. Not having a boyfriend isn't the end of the world!Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-53725192299455028342012-03-13T13:54:00.001-07:002015-01-02T21:59:12.189-08:00Where are they now?In high school I had two best friends ( we'll just call them "Mai" and "Jin" for privacy purposes). I met Jin in 8th grade. We weren't exactly friends, but we spoke to each other. In 9th grade we became best friends. We were always together. But only in school. I always wanted to hang with her after school but she never invited me so I thought that she didn't want me there.<br />
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I met Mai in the 10th grade, and me Jin and Mai became instant friends. I started hanging out with them after school. And we were always over each others houses. And I felt really good because it was the first time I felt like I had true friends. We were always together and when we weren't people usually asked where the other one was.<br />
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And while I still felt nervous and anxious around them, it was definitely a lowers level on intensity than when I was around other people. And as long as we we'rent talking about boys, I was usually okay. I came up with a story, about how I did't want a boyfriend and I was happy being by myself and that I wouldn't make a good girlfriend. And while most of that was true, I didn't tell them I was actually terrified at the prospect of having a boyfriend.<br />
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<a name='more'></a>While we were in school I never told them about my SAD. I was always to nervous to tell them. I felt like they would judge me if they knew. I did eventually tell them, a year after school ended, and they kind of just brushed it off. Like it wasn't a big deal. And that may have had to do with the way I told them, because I didn't tell them any details. I just told them what I had and a very basic definition of it. But it still kind of bugs me because if one of them told me about something like that, I would research what it was when I got home. But I guess they just don't care enough to know.<br />
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I'm not really in contact with them any more. I'm pretty much friendless at the moment. The year they went off to college we kept in contact pretty well.When they went off to college for their second year we drifted apart. I tried to keep us together. I would text them and oovoo them. But them I noticed that I was only one actually putting any effort into it and I stopped because I was starting to feel like a burden. I felt like they didn't want to talk to me and that I was just bothering them. It was really hard for me to even work up the courage to text and call video chat with them, and when they didn't reciprocate, I felt really stupid.<br />
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Me Jin still see each other when she comes back into town (she dorms) sometimes. And when she comes back we always have a great time together, but during all the months of school we never speak to each other. And i'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call her or text her. I feel like if she wanted to talk to me she would have called me or texted me. Sometimes when she come back, like for winter break, she doesn't even tell me. A couple of times I only found out she was back through facebook, and that really hurts. We were so close before she went off to school, but then she got roommates and now they're her best friends. And now, i'm just the girl she went to high school with.<br />
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Mai is whole other story. I really did like Mai. we meshed together really well. And our personalities were pretty similar. But when Mai was around other people rather than just me and Jin, she became a whole other person. Especially if there were boys involved. And for four years me and Jin put up with it, but her first year of college she began to drift away form us. She would only call us if she needed a ride somewhere. She would never invite us anywhere with her anymore. And we invited her places she always had an excuse for why she couldn't go. So we tried to talk to her about it and even the she blew us off. So we pretty much don't speak anymore. I'm not mad at her, and we still occasionally( by occasionally I mean about once a year) text, or like something of each others on facebook, but I just can't deal with her.<br />
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During high school we promised each other that we would continue being friends, no matter what. And it makes me sad that I can't even call them my friends anymore. Especially since they were my only friends. I had other people that I spoke to (I wasn't a complete loser) but I would never call them to hang out, and when I did hang out with them it was always with Mai and Jin as well. I never felt comfortable making plans with anyone other than Mai and Jin. I always felt like I was inviting myself and they didn't want me there. So it's been a pretty friendless year for me. I hang out with my sisters, and sometime with her friends, but it's not the same as having my own friends.<br />
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I've never really been good at making fiends. I get all awkward and say stupid things because i'm nervous and can't stop the word vomit. So now that I don't have any friends i'm not really sure what I should do.<br />
When I think about friends the first people that come to mind are Jin and Mai, and now that I don't have them anymore i'm a little confused as to how to proceed. How do I make new friends?<br />
<br />Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-89057899904599875842012-03-06T15:05:00.001-08:002015-01-02T21:58:43.944-08:00Giggles you say.I hate when people that I don't know giggle and laugh around me. My first immediate reaction is that they are laughing, and making fun of me. Even if they aren't paying attention to me, that is still what I feel is happening.<br />
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A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were <i>not </i>laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.<br />
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What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.<br />
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I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7929779286472137428.post-28425172757612755202012-02-29T12:12:00.001-08:002015-01-02T21:58:14.433-08:00And it's just the beginning.<br />
<span style="color: #444444;"> My childhood was very confusing. I knew there was something different about me and yet I didn't know how to deal with it. Elementary school was a really rough time for me. I cried every time my mother left me. Sometimes the teacher would have to hold me while she left because I would hold onto my mom and not let her leave. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #444444;"> When all the children would play I always wanted to join in but was to afraid to ask. I figured if they wanted me to play with them they would have asked, so I spent many a playtime alone, playing with blocks. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> Another big part of kindergarten experience was the bathroom. I dreaded the bathroom. The bathroom was in the classroom, which I guess is convenient when you're dealing with four and five year old's, but very inconvenient where I was concerned. Because the bathroom was in the classroom you could everything that was going on in there, and that really bothered me. I was <i>not </i>okay with anyone hearing me pee. So to avoid the embarrassment of letting others hear me pee, I would just pee on myself. Apparently five year old me thought peeing on myself was less embarrassing than letting others hear me pee. I peed on myself so much that my mom started packing extra clothes for me in my backpack. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> My grades even suffered because of my SAD. I would never raise my hand, even if I knew the answer. I was always extremely embarrassed of talking in front of other people, and I hated when the teacher would pick me. And what made it worse what that I didn't understand why I was so afraid to raise my hand. I would see the other children raising their hands, ooh-ing and ah-ing for the teachers to pick on them , and I was so confused. Because class participation was a part of the grading process my grades where suffering from what I didn't understand and didn't know how to explain. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> Middle school wasn't much better. But by that time I had come to the realization that while in most social situations I felt embarrassed an awkward, other people did not. So I begin to pretend that the things that really bothered me, didn't. I started participating more in school, although still not as much as the other students in the class. I still avoided the bathroom like the plague. Having stalls wasn't much better than the classroom bathroom. Everyone could still hear everything because of the huge gaps and the bottom of the doors. So I would just hold it until I got home </span><span style="color: #444444;">(I had become a master pee holder by that point)</span><span style="color: #444444;">, or if couldn't avoid it, I would go during class because no one was usually in there. I made some friends that I felt comfortable enough around, and I pretended to be just like every else while in side I was still just as nervous and scared. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> The worst part about middle school was the hormones. It was the time when other children started to get boyfriends and girlfriends, and that absolutely scared me. My friends all had dated at least one person by seventh grade and I felt like if I didn't date anyone they would know something was wrong with me. So of course I jumped on the bandwagon. The first and only relation I have ever had lasted three months. One day he walked up to me and said, "Do you want to be my girlfriend?" and of course I said yes.When ever I saw him I was terrified, I had no idea what to do and I often avoided him. The only time I did see him was in class, and even then I barley spoke to him. My first and only relation ended quite tragically, his friend (we'll just call him M) broke us up in front the whole class and it was extremely embarrassing. M and and my boyfriend where sitting at the table ahead of me and in front of everyone he just said " You don't like her, she doesn't like you, so you guys aren't together anymore!" and that was the end of our relationship. But I did like him, I just didn't know how to handle a boyfriend, It was entirely too much pressure for me. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> High school was a way better experience. I had moved to different school in eight grade so by ninth grade I was fairly comfortable with the people I knew. Class participation was still an issue as was the bathroom, but at that point in my life I had perfected the " I'm just like you" persona. I had a couple of guy friends and when ever any talk of relationship would come up i'd flee the scene (not literary, of course). While much of my day was spent being nervous or embarrassed or scared, no one ever knew. Not even my best friends, I was too afraid to tell them. And that's not to say that high school wasn't fun, because it was. I had a blast in high school I honestly can't say there was ever a dull moment. But there was always this fear inside of me no matter what I was doing. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> I would have to say that high school was the time when I took the most risks with deciding how far I could push my self out of my "comfort zone" (and I use quotation marks because I use that term loosely, my real comfort zone is sitting at home by myself reading a book). I joined Art club, Key club, my schools literary magazine club, and I even went on to be the president of the National Art Honors Society. I also was a part of my schools play for three years ( just background signing and dancing) and the last year of high school I did stage crew (I was even stage manager). But while it was fun being in the clubs and hanging out with friends I was still scared, and I still didn't know why.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #444444;"> For most of my high school experience I didn't want to believe that there was anything wrong with me so I just kind of ignored it. I didn't tell my friends or my family because I didn't want to admit to myself that there was a real problem. But in twelfth grade I finally decided that I couldn't pretend anymore, because it wasn't going to go away by pretending it wasn't there. So I started doing research on different types of anxiety disorders and I finally came across Social Anxiety disorder and it was like such a relief and burden all at the same time. It was very over whelming finally putting a name to everything I had been feeling for so long and I actually started crying. I was relived because I felt like I wasn't crazy and there was actually something making me feel the way the way that I was. And it was burden because I felt that now that it had a name it was real. And I did not want it to be real. </span></div>
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Dead.http://www.blogger.com/profile/14501865707283469856noreply@blogger.com0