Today is just not a good day.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be a normal functioning human being. 

I know that the herbs that I have been taking on my self medicating quest have helped a bit, but it just doesn't seem like enough. 

Sometimes I wake up and I think about what my life is going to be like in ten twenty or thirty years from now, and i have all these fantasies of what I want it to be but they feel pointless. This is not how I imagined my life would be at 22. I have zero independence. I feel like such a burden to all of my family members but I just don't know how to change it. 

Sometimes I think about just leaving so my family doesn't have to deal with me anymore. I'd probably end up homeless somewhere. It makes think if some of the homeless people I see on the streets have social anxiety as well and just couldn't make it. 

When I start to think about what my future will be like I get really depressed. I;m just not happy. I truthfully can't remember the last time I was honestly happy. I;m trying really hard to see the improvements that my SMP have made but at this point they just aren't enough. 

I remember when I was younger and didn't understand why I was so afraid all the time I would tell my self it would get better when I was older. I had fantasies of what kind of person I would be, now that I am the age that those fantasies were based off of I feel like a failure. I am nothing like what I wanted to be. 

I'm just so tired of being afraid. It's not fair. I don't understand what I did wrong to have this. 

Sometimes my heart just beats fast for no reason. This morning I woke up and for no reason what so ever my heart was beating really fast. I was alone in my room so I have no idea why this would happen. Days that start off like this are bound to be bad days. I just don't want to do this anymore. 

I hate that I have to work so hard just live and be happy. 

Today is just not a good day. 

Week 4 update - Self medicating social anxiety

I made it to the week four mark. Woop!

This is the week that I began school again. So I think it gave a better chance to see the herbs in action.

So a quick update, I'm still taking the same dosage as before. I'm taking 1 capsule of 530mg Valerian Root, 1 capsule of 500mg  Rhodiola Rosea, and 2 capsules of 650mg Chamomile. I take these every morning with breakfast, or lunch if I'm running late. so onto the update!

I did just move to a new town so I am taking a new bus and route to school and I don't really work well with unfamiliar things, but i have to say it wasn't that bad. I was still anxious, but I don't think my level was that bad. On a scale from 1 to 10 I was about a 5 on the scale. which is so much better than last semester which I would put at about a 7.

So my first day back at school was great because I only had one class. It may have made me feel better because it was in a class room and with a teacher that I have had before. I walked into the room and said good morning, GOOD MORNING! I surprised even myself. I don't talk to teachers when I walk in classrooms, and I certainly never say good morning. So I was definitely shocked at my actions lol. I then proceeded to sit down and even though I was in a classroom full of people I don't know I was okay. I would say my anxiety was at a 4 by that point. which is crazy! I'm so freaking excited about my results. I feel like an actual half way normal person.

The rest of the week continued on in the same manor. I went to my classes I didn't feel overwhelmed. I even spoke in my creative writing class, it was mandatory, but who cares. I spoke up and said what I had to say and that was that. I was still nervous about it but my hands didn't shake at all. Even when I was done my hand still weren't shaking! Usually when I speak my hands shake and even when I'm done they continue to shake for a while after that. So this was pretty spectacular. I'm not sure if this is because I have a pretty tame schedule this semester (yay last semester!) because I only have one class Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and two classes Wednesday. That might have to do with my anxiety level because I'm not being overwhelmed with the amount of people I have to deal with in a day.

I went into the pool (not swimming, the game) room and hung out with my friends (I use that term loosely, I don't really have friends, we're more like school friends only) and I was fine in there. I left the school with a friend and went to get some Chinese food in her car. I actually rode in the car with just the two of us. I would say my anxiety level was at about a 4 then two. which is a big improvement to last semester when I rode with a group of friends off campus. This makes me happy because before I never would have been able to say i was more comfortable riding in a car with one person where I couldn't hide and had to talk as opposed to a group.

For the eating healthier aspect, I have been doing great I think. Most days I start out with a homemade smoothie for breakfast. I have a really big hill to walk everyday to and from the bus so I get some good exercise in daily.

I did not get the chance to do any yoga during week 4. Not going to make up excuses, I just kind of forgot or I didn't want to stop reading (this is a whole other issue that I will address in another post). I do have my laptop back now, so that gives me a better opportunity to check out some yoga videos.

I think I had great results for my fourth week. This really make me hopeful. I'm not saying that I'm ready to start applying for jobs or anything, but I really do think that I made great improvements this week.

Week 2 and 3 update - Self medicating social anxiety

Okay, so I'm going to do an update on week two and three because I didn't do week two, two weeks ago or week three last week. My laptop was being repaired and I really didn't want to write this on my cousins tablet that I've been borrowing. I did the the last couple of posts on it and its really annoying because its broken and only allows me to touch half of the screen and I have to keep flipping it upside down. But now I finally have my laptop back. I haven't used it since October, but I had to get it repaired because classes started again and I have two online classes this semester. Okay on to the update!



Week Two:

So a quick update. I am taking Chamomile, Rhodiola Rosea, and Valerian Root capsules daily along with trying eat healthier, getting outside daily, and starting yoga again.

Last week I said that I was taking one 530mg Valerian capsule, two 500mg Rhodiola capsules, and two 650mg Chamomile capsules. Since then I have switched back to taking one Rhodiola capsule. I thought the label said "take 1 to 2 capsules daily" but it actually says" take one 1 capsule 1 to 2 times daily".

I was taking both at the same time with the rest if the capsules. I have since decided to go back down to one capsule because I'm taking the Rhodiola together with the Chamomile and Valerian and I don't to over do it.

I did go outside at least one time a day in the second week and I also did get some yoga done. I did some painting as well which is a great way to calm my mind. I have started to eat better, but I plan doing even better.

Unlike the week before, in week two I actually went somewhere so I got the chance to see the "medication" in action. I went to the mall with my mother and my sisters boyfriends brother, lol that's a mouthful. I was returning a jacket and when I went to talk to the cashier I did notice that I wasn't as nervous (read: terrified out of mind) as I normally am. I also had to find my receipt and sign something and my hands barely even shook.

I count that as win in my book any day. I'm really excited because it seams like the herbs are really starting to take effect. Even if it's just a placebo effect I'm okay with that. Onto week three!



Week Three:

During week three I did get some more interaction with the outside world. I had to send of my laptop to be repaired. I went to the post office looking around for a large flat rate box and when I couldn't find the one I wanted I actually went to the window and asked the lady if they had the size box I needed. I count that as a win. I don't know if I was feeling brave that day, or if it was because the post office was empty, or because of the herbs, but either way I feel pretty good about being able to ask the window lady something while being there all on my own.

Of course when I came back with box and no label and the  lady looked at me like I was stupid when I handed her a label-less box I felt completely and utterly mortified. I had to move to the side and write my label on and this time I wasn't so lucky to have an empty post office.

In my defense I haven't sent many packages where I had to write a label on it. I always just print out the prepaid for ones from Paypal. I thought if i went to the window she would just put one of those labels on the box.

Anyways, I also got some yoga done in the second week. But i think i need to watch an actual video and follow along to get a proper yoga session in because I can't always remember the poses I want to do. I think I'll start the 30 day yoga challenge again that's on Youtube.
Here is the link: 30 day yoga challenge.
I would also like to do some of these poses that are specific to anxiety in this article:

I got some painting done as well. As for eating healthier I think I'm getting there. I'm doing better every week.

I'll have an update of week 4, which is this week we're in right now on Sunday. This is also the week I started school, so it should be an interesting update.

week 1 update - self medicating social anxiety

So, its been one week since I decided to start self medicating my social anxiety. Time for an update!

I have been taking Valerian root 530mg

Last week I said that I would decide whether the Valerian root made me to drowsy, and if I would switch to taking it at night. After a week of using it, I don't feel any drowsiness at all. One con with this is that these capsules are a bit large and I have a hard time swallowing pills as it is. Another con is that these capsules do not have the most pleasant smell lol. I am taking one these daily.

I'm also taking Chamomile 650mg

I really like the taste of chamomile and these capsules are easy to swallow because they are on the small side. They smell great too. I upped the dosage of these to two daily, because its suppose to have a calming effect and I seriously need that. I wasn't feeling like I was seeing any results and I felt like I needed to take more of them. So I am currently taking two daily.

The last thing I'm taking is Rhodiola rosea 500mg

These are also smaller capsules. They don't have much of taste and I don't really mind taking them. For the first couple of days I was taking one of these but I switched to two soon after. Probably not for the best of reasons. I just wasn't seeing any results and I felt like I should up the dosage because I'm really feeling the pressure to get out my sisters house and find a job. So I am currently taking two of these daily also.



So, for the first week of my self medicating I haven't noticed any differences. I still feel just as anxious as before. I know that none of these will be a quick fix. I know that it will also take more than a week for me to noticeably feel the difference. I am still going to stick to this plan. I think I will have to wait until school starts back up again to really see if there are any differences in the way I feel because right now, I pretty much do nothing lol.

As for the rest of my plan, I have been outside everyday. Even if its just for a little while, I have taken the time to go outdoors everyday.

With trying to eat better I will say that I have been doing a bit better but not by much because I still don't feel very comfortable eating the food in my sisters house. I have been doing a bit better though. I just have to keep trying or wait until I move out to reach my goal of eating only fruits and vegetables.

As for the yoga, not gonna lie, I have yet to even start it. I just haven't had much alone time to do it. And I don't feel comfortable doing it while there are other people around.  I will try harder though. I really don't like making excuses, so I will try to get some yoga in this week.

Although I haven't felt much of a change this week I will stick to my plan. I think I should give it at least a month before I decided if this just isn't working and I need to get on Paxil. But so far I am very hopeful that this is going to work.

Beautiful Daydream - Maladaptive daydreaming and social anxiety.

I know that I spoke about coping mechanisms briefly in my previous post and about maladaptive daydreaming. I will go into a lot more detail I this post.

Okay, so this is bit of a challenge for me.
I don't know if its just me or other maladaptive daydreamers feel the same way, but I am very attached and protective of the worlds I create for myself. So to talk about them is a little hard for me.

The reason I am doing this is because I find very little information about this. And I find even less personal stories about it. I actually didn't even know there was a word for what I was doing until a couple of months ago, and that there were other people that did the same thing.

So first, some facts.
Maladaptive daydreaming is excessive daydreaming. Maladaptive daydreamers are usually people who have social anxiety or depression. Maladaptive daydreaming goes a step further than regular daydreaming. The daydreams are extensive, vivid, and intricate. The daydreamers become emotionally invested in the characters and become attached. They are usually not separate daydreams each time, but a one long daydream with, a plot, main characters, reappearing characters, friends, and villains.

Although unlike schizophrenics, maladaptive daydreamers know the difference between reality and their fantasy, they have trouble stopping the daydreams or focusing on regular tasks. Some people have experienced a negative affect in their real lives.

These daydreams are often accompanied by a repetitive movement in the daydreamers along with laughing, gesturing, whispering, crying, and other facial expressions and movements. The daydreamers are trying to emulate the characters in their fantasies.

A big part of maladaptive daydreaming is pop culture and the world around the daydreamer. Anything from a song, commercial, TV show, movie, book, photo, etc can trigger a daydream to start. Majority of the time some of the characters or places already exist in a movie, book, show, or some other form of pop culture.



So now that we're done with the facts, I will tell you about my experiences in maladaptive daydreaming.

I have been a maladaptive daydreamer for as long as I can remember. My first memory of a daydream is what I like to call "the bread and butter bird". When I was about four or five and my aunt would walk me to school she would always say bread and butter when she split a pole. It was some type of weird superstitious thing. Of course me being only four I began to say it too, but as I also had social anxiety I never felt comfortable enough to say it out loud, so I would say it in my head. Thus the bread and butter bird was born. He was a bird that only ate bread and butter but he could only eat if I said "bread and butter" in my head. He lived in a world where they loved to be fat in the summer and thin in the winter. Its silly I know, but I was four! Lol. I still find myself visiting my old bird friend on occasion. He was my main daydream until I was about six.

My second daydream was of a boy named Kevin. He would walk with with me school and play with me when I had no one to play with. I very clearly remember telling my mother and sister about him and being very clear that he was my imaginary friend but it was alright, because I knew he was imaginary so I wasn't crazy lol. He was my main daydream and stayed my main daydream from then to present.

Kevin started out as the main character I guess you could call it until about middle school. He then was demoted into second main character, and "I" was introduced into the picture. Before this I, as in my actually self would interact with my daydreams and they would interact with me and the going on's in my life.  When "I" was brought into the picture my actually self took a step back and I became the main character in the form of a girl named Iiolana. Iiolana (Alana, don't ask me why I spelled it like that) was Kevin's best friend. This is the time when pop culture began to have a big impact on my daydreams. I don't feel comfortable going into to much detail, but this is when my daydreams started to get more detailed and more character's.

Later on Iiolana got demoted by the current main character (CMC) whose name I don't feel comfortable saying and I really don't want to get into to much detail about the current daydream. But I will say the Iiolana and the CMC are friends, not best friends, but friends none the less. Kevin is also still there, and him and Iiolana are now in a relationship. What I will say is that my current "cast" for lack of a better word has been here since high school with a couple of add on's over the years. They consist of 8 "main" girls 14 "main" boys and about 25 other minor characters. Pop culture has made a huge impact on my daydream but my main characters "me" are never a part of the pop culture influences.

Although I am the main character majority of the time I do go into the minds of the other characters and act as them form time to time, but majority of the time, they kind of act on their own. Its kind of hard to explain.

Although this has been my main daydream for years I have had a couple of other sub-dreams while I've had this big main one.

There was the two guys Neji, and Hajii. I believe I was Neji. As you can tell this is from when I was heavily into anime. And, no Neji was not the character from Naruto, the only influence I took was the name. They came about when I got my DS and used the picto-chat to "chat" with Hajii. And yes, although I am a girl Neji was indeed a boy in this daydream. They didn't last for very long. Only until about the time that I stopped using my DS.

The other sub-dream was the vampires, as I like to call them. Surprisingly the only influence I took from pop culture in this daydream was the fact that my characters were vampires. They were also a pretty extensive daydream with about 10 characters in total. Which is the most that any of daydreams have had besides the main daydream. In this daydream I was also a guy, named volcad. This was one of my longer sub-daydreams. I liked this one so much that I often times tried to revisit it after it had died down, but for some reason I just couldn't get back into it.

Surprisingly the only other daydream that I have been able to revisit along with my main one is the bread and butter bird. Lol I think I find it hard to let go of the first one I can remember. Its also the most simple of the daydreams and the easiest to get back into. Its like revisiting an old friend.



Now for the effects it's has had on my life I'm not to sure about. I have never been the best at keeping friends, but I think that has more to do with my SA and less to do with my daydreaming. I do sometimes find myself having a hard time focusing on things when I'm when I want to be with my daydreams or when something happens and I suddenly have inspiration to do something in the daydream.

I know that I am horrible at directions because ofmy daydreams. Because of my SA I don't have a drivers license so I am either on public transportation or being driven by a family member. Most of the time I use this time to daydream. Its not like I do it on purpose. Its like my body can't even help it. I have to actively make myself pay attention and stop myself fro daydreaming if I really want to know directions but even then I still get them wrong. I think my daydreaming contributes to my bad sense of direction but I think that might just be something I would be bad at even if didn't daydream lol.

Most of the time I can incorporate what I'm doing daily into what I'm doing in the daydream. Like if I'm going shopping then the me in my daydream is also going shopping, of I'm taking a shower then the daydream me is also taking a shower etc.

The most time I daydream is either right before I go to bed or right after I wake up. I have a hard time getting to sleep but I'm not sure if that's because I daydream at that time or if I daydream because I have a hard time falling asleep. On average it probably takes me about 30 minutes to fall asleep. Which gives me plenty of time to spend with my daydream.

As for the facial expressions and the gestures and what not, I do find myself doing those a lot. Never when I'm around other people. I will laugh, whisper, cry, gesture, and make facial expressions as if I'm actually the daydream "me".

I find myself having a hard time letting go of my daydreams. If I could get rid of them with a majic pill I don't think I would. I am too attached to them. I am very emotionally invested with them. I don't think they have a detrimental effect on my daily life or that they would on my life in the future. I don't just sit in the house all day with my daydreams. I incorporate them into my life so I don't just spend hours at a time just sitting alone with them.

Daydreaming is one of my coping mechanisms. It's what helps me get through my days. I don't know how I would get through my days without daydreaming.

Although I use this blog as a personal diary that I can just express myself anonymously I do hope this post will help someone who is also a maladaptive daydreamer.

Giggles you say.

I hate when people that I don't know giggle and laugh around me. My first immediate reaction is that they are laughing, and making fun of me. Even if they aren't paying attention to me, that is still what I feel is happening.

A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read  book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were not laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.

What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.

I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.