How Zoloft helped me realize I was depressed, and alleviate my social anxiety.

So, I have been gone a long stretch of time lately and a lot has happened int that time.

The title might be a little bit confusing considering I have stated many a time that I am very against drugs, prescribed or other wise, but I will get into detail what caused my jump from trying to naturally alleviate my anxiety to medically alleviate it in another post. This post in all about how Zoloft helped me realized I was/am depressed.

Okay so I'm going to jump right into it. About a month before I graduated college (Yay for me, I actually did it!) I went to a doctors appointment an actually talked to my doctor about my anxiety which was a big deal. After we spoke for a bit she wanted prescribe me with Zoloft to try and help my anxiety, and while I was little bit apprehensive, I decided to try it because at that point I was so fed up with how my anxiety was acting up and the herbs I was using just weren't doing enough. She prescribed me with 25MG because of my height and weight and she didn't want to overwhelm my body I guess.

I stayed on these for 4 weeks before I went back for a check in, check up. The 25MG didn't do anything for me except make me the drowsiest I have ever been in my life, and give nausea. My nausea was so strange too, I would sporadically get nauseous through out the day, and also when I laughed. It was the strangest sensation to fell nauseous because of a laugh. Luckily the nausea cleared up after week three, unluckily the 25MG's didn't do anything for the SA.

When I went in for my check in, I told all of this to my doctor and she suggested  try out 50MG for another four weeks and come back in with another round of check ups. I was not optimistic after having failed with 25MG and having read so many stories about how sometimes Zoloft only works for certain people.

Boy, was I surprised. The first thing I noticed that it severely lessened was my depression. I knew that I would become depressed sometimes but I had no idea to what extent I was depressed until I started taking Zoloft and I wasn't as depressed anymore. I think I was so used to living with it that I didn't even notice that something was wrong. The differences I felt in myself were shocking, because I hadn't even realize the my depression was a part of the problem because I was so focused on my SA.

 I noticed a difference in my attitude towards myself and others. I realized how much more lighter I felt, I can't even pin point the exact things it changed I just know that overall I felt so much better  about myself and my situation.

It also helped with my SA. I work for my sister now (we'll get int that in another post) and she was always pushing me to make these calls so certain clients and I would just refuse to do it because my SA would not allow me to, but on Zoloft while I wasn't comfortable and the anxiousness was still there, I was at least able to actually call them.I was also able to walk into a store or order something at a restaurant without freaking out on the inside. I felt a lot more in control of my life, and my decisions.

I'm not saying that it was a cure, I still had anxiety and depression, but it did help me out a lot with having some sort hold on my life, and since I have had SA since as far back as I can remember that was a big deal to me, I had never felt like that before.

Even though the Zoloft had helped me tremendously I am no longer taking it. I took the 50MG's for about a month and a half before I stopped. There are a multitude of reasons why I stopped, which I will get into in another post where I will update my personal life.

I also want to address the brain zaps. I remember reading about the zaps happening when taking Paxil but I can't remember if I read about them happening on Zoloft, but for me they did happened. It's so hard to explain the exact feeling, it doesn't hurt, it kind of feels like feels like of you squeeze your eyes closed very tightly and tighten your whole body to the point where it starts to shake. Except it's that feeling only in you head. lol that's the only way I can think to describe it. It's such a strange feeling. They happened about two weeks after I stopped taking them, and only last about two weeks as well. They were very random, at first I didn't connect the zaps to the Zoloft, I wasn't really keeping track, so I can't say exactly how many times they happened.

I am kind of sad that I no longer feel the same way I did when taking the Zoloft because when  stopped I actually noticed how depressed I am, and how bad my SA can be.

It sucks having both SA and depression and I found this post which put into words what I have been feeling my whole life:

talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com

Beautiful Daydream - Maladaptive daydreaming and social anxiety.

I know that I spoke about coping mechanisms briefly in my previous post and about maladaptive daydreaming. I will go into a lot more detail I this post.

Okay, so this is bit of a challenge for me.
I don't know if its just me or other maladaptive daydreamers feel the same way, but I am very attached and protective of the worlds I create for myself. So to talk about them is a little hard for me.

The reason I am doing this is because I find very little information about this. And I find even less personal stories about it. I actually didn't even know there was a word for what I was doing until a couple of months ago, and that there were other people that did the same thing.

So first, some facts.
Maladaptive daydreaming is excessive daydreaming. Maladaptive daydreamers are usually people who have social anxiety or depression. Maladaptive daydreaming goes a step further than regular daydreaming. The daydreams are extensive, vivid, and intricate. The daydreamers become emotionally invested in the characters and become attached. They are usually not separate daydreams each time, but a one long daydream with, a plot, main characters, reappearing characters, friends, and villains.

Although unlike schizophrenics, maladaptive daydreamers know the difference between reality and their fantasy, they have trouble stopping the daydreams or focusing on regular tasks. Some people have experienced a negative affect in their real lives.

These daydreams are often accompanied by a repetitive movement in the daydreamers along with laughing, gesturing, whispering, crying, and other facial expressions and movements. The daydreamers are trying to emulate the characters in their fantasies.

A big part of maladaptive daydreaming is pop culture and the world around the daydreamer. Anything from a song, commercial, TV show, movie, book, photo, etc can trigger a daydream to start. Majority of the time some of the characters or places already exist in a movie, book, show, or some other form of pop culture.



So now that we're done with the facts, I will tell you about my experiences in maladaptive daydreaming.

I have been a maladaptive daydreamer for as long as I can remember. My first memory of a daydream is what I like to call "the bread and butter bird". When I was about four or five and my aunt would walk me to school she would always say bread and butter when she split a pole. It was some type of weird superstitious thing. Of course me being only four I began to say it too, but as I also had social anxiety I never felt comfortable enough to say it out loud, so I would say it in my head. Thus the bread and butter bird was born. He was a bird that only ate bread and butter but he could only eat if I said "bread and butter" in my head. He lived in a world where they loved to be fat in the summer and thin in the winter. Its silly I know, but I was four! Lol. I still find myself visiting my old bird friend on occasion. He was my main daydream until I was about six.

My second daydream was of a boy named Kevin. He would walk with with me school and play with me when I had no one to play with. I very clearly remember telling my mother and sister about him and being very clear that he was my imaginary friend but it was alright, because I knew he was imaginary so I wasn't crazy lol. He was my main daydream and stayed my main daydream from then to present.

Kevin started out as the main character I guess you could call it until about middle school. He then was demoted into second main character, and "I" was introduced into the picture. Before this I, as in my actually self would interact with my daydreams and they would interact with me and the going on's in my life.  When "I" was brought into the picture my actually self took a step back and I became the main character in the form of a girl named Iiolana. Iiolana (Alana, don't ask me why I spelled it like that) was Kevin's best friend. This is the time when pop culture began to have a big impact on my daydreams. I don't feel comfortable going into to much detail, but this is when my daydreams started to get more detailed and more character's.

Later on Iiolana got demoted by the current main character (CMC) whose name I don't feel comfortable saying and I really don't want to get into to much detail about the current daydream. But I will say the Iiolana and the CMC are friends, not best friends, but friends none the less. Kevin is also still there, and him and Iiolana are now in a relationship. What I will say is that my current "cast" for lack of a better word has been here since high school with a couple of add on's over the years. They consist of 8 "main" girls 14 "main" boys and about 25 other minor characters. Pop culture has made a huge impact on my daydream but my main characters "me" are never a part of the pop culture influences.

Although I am the main character majority of the time I do go into the minds of the other characters and act as them form time to time, but majority of the time, they kind of act on their own. Its kind of hard to explain.

Although this has been my main daydream for years I have had a couple of other sub-dreams while I've had this big main one.

There was the two guys Neji, and Hajii. I believe I was Neji. As you can tell this is from when I was heavily into anime. And, no Neji was not the character from Naruto, the only influence I took was the name. They came about when I got my DS and used the picto-chat to "chat" with Hajii. And yes, although I am a girl Neji was indeed a boy in this daydream. They didn't last for very long. Only until about the time that I stopped using my DS.

The other sub-dream was the vampires, as I like to call them. Surprisingly the only influence I took from pop culture in this daydream was the fact that my characters were vampires. They were also a pretty extensive daydream with about 10 characters in total. Which is the most that any of daydreams have had besides the main daydream. In this daydream I was also a guy, named volcad. This was one of my longer sub-daydreams. I liked this one so much that I often times tried to revisit it after it had died down, but for some reason I just couldn't get back into it.

Surprisingly the only other daydream that I have been able to revisit along with my main one is the bread and butter bird. Lol I think I find it hard to let go of the first one I can remember. Its also the most simple of the daydreams and the easiest to get back into. Its like revisiting an old friend.



Now for the effects it's has had on my life I'm not to sure about. I have never been the best at keeping friends, but I think that has more to do with my SA and less to do with my daydreaming. I do sometimes find myself having a hard time focusing on things when I'm when I want to be with my daydreams or when something happens and I suddenly have inspiration to do something in the daydream.

I know that I am horrible at directions because ofmy daydreams. Because of my SA I don't have a drivers license so I am either on public transportation or being driven by a family member. Most of the time I use this time to daydream. Its not like I do it on purpose. Its like my body can't even help it. I have to actively make myself pay attention and stop myself fro daydreaming if I really want to know directions but even then I still get them wrong. I think my daydreaming contributes to my bad sense of direction but I think that might just be something I would be bad at even if didn't daydream lol.

Most of the time I can incorporate what I'm doing daily into what I'm doing in the daydream. Like if I'm going shopping then the me in my daydream is also going shopping, of I'm taking a shower then the daydream me is also taking a shower etc.

The most time I daydream is either right before I go to bed or right after I wake up. I have a hard time getting to sleep but I'm not sure if that's because I daydream at that time or if I daydream because I have a hard time falling asleep. On average it probably takes me about 30 minutes to fall asleep. Which gives me plenty of time to spend with my daydream.

As for the facial expressions and the gestures and what not, I do find myself doing those a lot. Never when I'm around other people. I will laugh, whisper, cry, gesture, and make facial expressions as if I'm actually the daydream "me".

I find myself having a hard time letting go of my daydreams. If I could get rid of them with a majic pill I don't think I would. I am too attached to them. I am very emotionally invested with them. I don't think they have a detrimental effect on my daily life or that they would on my life in the future. I don't just sit in the house all day with my daydreams. I incorporate them into my life so I don't just spend hours at a time just sitting alone with them.

Daydreaming is one of my coping mechanisms. It's what helps me get through my days. I don't know how I would get through my days without daydreaming.

Although I use this blog as a personal diary that I can just express myself anonymously I do hope this post will help someone who is also a maladaptive daydreamer.

Pass me the herbs please!

Before I lay out the specifics of my plan with self medicating, I just want to say that I am in no way telling people to copy what I am doing. I have decided to do this on my own with out the help of any doctors or therapists involved.

Now I would also like to say that I know there is no magic cure for SAD. I know that I'm not going to wake up tomorrow suddenly a different person. My goal is to reach a point where my anxiety level is manageable enough for me to get a job. That is my ultimate goal, getting a job and working towards being more independent and moving out of my sisters house.

As I said in my last post, in my research about medication to help treat SAD I came across this article: socialanxietydisorder.about.com/treatmentoptions

After reading up on each of these herbs, I decided to try a combination of Chamomile, Valerian root, and Rhodiola rosea.

I know that there are medications the help with dealing with social anxiety, but I am personally really against medication. So before I try any prescription medication I would like to try a natural remedy.

Part One

The first part of my self medicating plan (SMP) is to take each of the herbs listed above daily.

I ordered these a couple of days ago, and I just received them yesterday. I ordered them from pureformulas.com they have free shipping and the prices are really low. I would have just gotten them from Amazon but because I am a vegetarian I had to do a little searching around for vegetarian capsules. The brands I ordered are Nature's Answer for the chamomile, 650mg. Nature's Way for the Valerian root, 530mg, and Now for the Rhodiola, 500mg.

Although the backs of the bottles suggest taking more than one capsule, or taking it more than once a day I'm just going to ignore that lol. Because I am taking these all together and not alone, I think that if I were to take more than one of each I might be over doing it. The only that I might take two of is the chamomile because its the one I'm most familiar with.

The bottle of rhodiola says to take it before bed, because I suppose it makes you drowsy but I think I might do a trial taking it in the morning with rest of them and see how I feel after a week. If I'm to drowsy then I'll switch it to night time.

I think that taking these daily will help decrease my anxiety.
Onto part two.

Part Two

Part two of my SMP is to start to eat right again. I don't think I can fight my anxiety with out getting my mind and body on the right track. I used to eat very good until I moved in with my sister and started to feel like my move was being watched. Now I just hurry up and make what ever will take the shortest amount of time and go back to my room. I Need to get back to the way I used to eat.

Part two of my plan involves eating healthier foods, and drinking more water. A while ago after I did the lemon cleanse I stopped eating preservatives and artificial colors. I would like to get back to this way of eating. My ultimate goal is to eat majority of fruits and vegetables for all my meals. Because I'm already a vegetarian this would not be that hard of goal to reach. I was raised a vegetarian and have never tasted meat or fish in my life.

The only problem with this is that I don't feel comfortable eating the food in my sisters house, so I'm going to figure out a way to be able to pay for the fruits and vegetables I want to eat.

I really think this combined with the herbs will go long way in reducing my anxiety.  I think that I'm going to have to work from the inside out to get the results I want, and that's going to start with eating healthier.

Part Three

Part three of my SMP is to start doing yoga again. For me, yoga works as a way to calm mind.

I used to do yoga all the time until I moved, and the house was to crowded, and I didn't really feel comfortable doing it in front of any of the members of my family. So I stopped. But now that we moved into this bigger house and I semi have some privacy in the room I share, I think that I would be able to find the time to start again.

The only way I'm going to be able to get a handle on my anxiety is to calm my mind. The three things that work in calming my mind are yoga, reading, drawing/painting, crafting and other art related stuff, and daydreaming (maladaptive daydreaming to be exact, but we'll get into that another time). Because I already do the other two I think I need to add yoga back into the mix.

Not only does it relax my mind, but it also relaxes my body. Which will also be big help because my shoulders are always so tense because of my SA.

I really believe that that these three in combination will help me with my anxiety.

Part four

The fourth and final part of my SMP is to go outside at least once a day, even if its just to walk the dog. No matter how short the amount of time, I need to get outside everyday.

Not only do I feel like I need to get sunlight everyday, I don't think me spending days at a time in the house is doing me any favors. Even if I don't interact with anyone while I'm outside at least I got some fresh air for the day. I think this is another thing that help with calming my mind.  I don't think staying cooped up in the house is helping at all, infact its probably making me worse. So I plan on going outside everyday, even if its just for a little while.


I think that with all of things working together, and with trying to improve my outlook and setting a goal ( getting a job, so that I can move out of my sisters house) will really help me to get a better handle on my anxiety.

When I came across the article I mentioned earlier I was in a really bad place and I think finding that article helped me to dig my self out of that spot. I think I have hope now, where as before I has none and I had basically given up on ever getting better with out using drugs (prescription or recreational).

I will be posting weekly updates on how this working out for me.

I really think this is going to work. Fingers crossed.

Giggles you say.

I hate when people that I don't know giggle and laugh around me. My first immediate reaction is that they are laughing, and making fun of me. Even if they aren't paying attention to me, that is still what I feel is happening.

A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read  book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were not laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.

What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.

I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.