Thursday, July 3, 2014
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Keep Calm and Kill Me Now.
I have orientation this Thursday. I feel like i'm about to throw up.
Every time I think about the up coming date, my heart goes into overdrive. I feel very much out of my comfort zone and i'm not even there yet. I have no idea how i'm going to handle being there. I know in my previous post I spoke about how I " fake it" to get through tough situations (read: my life), but that doesn't really help me with the internal battle that will be going on inside my head.
"Faking it" is more of a technique I use to not let myself get too caught up in my head and let my anxiety win. But while i'm outwardly cool, calm, and collected, i'm inwardly hyperventilating , second guessing my self, and freaking the eff out. "Faking it" and displaying and outward calm doesn't stop the feelings, it just makes it so that no one else know that I am silently wishing for the world to end so that I don't have to deal with life anymore. And it's thoughts like this that make me want to fake even more, because I can't let thoughts like this win, I can't let having SAD ruin my life. I have to fight back, and take control. But I digress.
The point is, i'm freaking out about orientation. There is going to be a lot of people there, and i'm going to have to act the like a normal functioning human being, when all I really want to do hide under a rock. At least I won't be alone. My mom and aunt are going to come with me, so that takes a lot of weight off my shoulders. The only thing is that I feel kind of stupid for needing them. I'm twenty years old and I need my mom to come with me because i'm scared. I try to fight having SAD, but sometimes I lose.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Fake it 'till you make it.
I will be starting college in about a week. Kill me now.
I imagine my college experience will be like my high school experience only magnified times ten. I'm feeling very anxious just thinking about it. But I will get through this the same way I got through high school. By "faking it". I find that pretending to not have SAD is very helpful when put in situation like this. Because of high school I've become a master at "faking it". None of best friends even suspected anything was wrong, and these were the people I spent the most time around.
My strategy for" faking it", isn't very good, but it works for me. I simply display an outward calm, and self control, pretending that i'm very comfortable in my skin, while I freak the eff out in my head. See, I told you it's not the best plan, but it actually works.
Example: I recently had to go up to my school to take a placement test (annoying). When I finished with the test there was guy sitting and waiting for his turn, I was already feeling pretty anxious just by being in the school. I handed in my test and went to make my way back down the steps and out of the building, only problem being, I couldn't find the freaking stairs (How do you lose stairs?). I walked all the way down the hall an then back up looking for the stairs feeling like a complete and utter retard because the guy was looking at me and probably wondering what I was doing walking up and down the hall. When I finally found the stairs, I was mortified. They were like 3 feet in front of the guy and by this point it was pretty obvious that to him that it was the stairs I was looking for. At this point I had two choices, I could be embarrassed and silently sulk down the stairs, or I could suck it up and "fake" my way out an embarrassing situation. Being a master" faker", I obviously chose option number two. I looked at the stairs and chucked a bit and then said " Wow, I must be blind" and then the guy smiled and then I smiled and made my way down the steps looking like a girl who isn't embarrassed by getting a little lost.
Some people may see this as being a fake person, but I don't. The way I see myself with SAD is like I have two different sides of me. The SAD side of me clearly has no common sense. She's of things that should't scare her and completely unreasonable. And then there is the side of me without SAD who is reasonable, who knows that being around someone that you don't know doesn't mean you should be scared of them, and who know that talking to someone the phone should't be something that is feared. It's like I have these two sides warring inside of me. I feel like the SAD side of me controls the anxious feelings and thoughts while other side of me controls my mouth, and actions. I feel like while i'm "faking it" i'm just being the person I would have been without the SAD, that i'm being me. It's just a version of me that doesn't feel very comfortable saying and doing the things that i do, but does them anyways. I know it's kind of complicated and hard to explain, but this is the best I could do.
I plan on continuing this in college, because I think it's the only way I could get through it. I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone is a person, just like me. That it's okay to be embarrassed sometimes, but that I can't let it take over. I won't let having having SAD ruin my college experience, or make me miss out things that I will regret when I get older. I won't let having SAD make a recluse who is to afraid of life to live it.
I imagine my college experience will be like my high school experience only magnified times ten. I'm feeling very anxious just thinking about it. But I will get through this the same way I got through high school. By "faking it". I find that pretending to not have SAD is very helpful when put in situation like this. Because of high school I've become a master at "faking it". None of best friends even suspected anything was wrong, and these were the people I spent the most time around.
My strategy for" faking it", isn't very good, but it works for me. I simply display an outward calm, and self control, pretending that i'm very comfortable in my skin, while I freak the eff out in my head. See, I told you it's not the best plan, but it actually works.
Example: I recently had to go up to my school to take a placement test (annoying). When I finished with the test there was guy sitting and waiting for his turn, I was already feeling pretty anxious just by being in the school. I handed in my test and went to make my way back down the steps and out of the building, only problem being, I couldn't find the freaking stairs (How do you lose stairs?). I walked all the way down the hall an then back up looking for the stairs feeling like a complete and utter retard because the guy was looking at me and probably wondering what I was doing walking up and down the hall. When I finally found the stairs, I was mortified. They were like 3 feet in front of the guy and by this point it was pretty obvious that to him that it was the stairs I was looking for. At this point I had two choices, I could be embarrassed and silently sulk down the stairs, or I could suck it up and "fake" my way out an embarrassing situation. Being a master" faker", I obviously chose option number two. I looked at the stairs and chucked a bit and then said " Wow, I must be blind" and then the guy smiled and then I smiled and made my way down the steps looking like a girl who isn't embarrassed by getting a little lost.
Some people may see this as being a fake person, but I don't. The way I see myself with SAD is like I have two different sides of me. The SAD side of me clearly has no common sense. She's of things that should't scare her and completely unreasonable. And then there is the side of me without SAD who is reasonable, who knows that being around someone that you don't know doesn't mean you should be scared of them, and who know that talking to someone the phone should't be something that is feared. It's like I have these two sides warring inside of me. I feel like the SAD side of me controls the anxious feelings and thoughts while other side of me controls my mouth, and actions. I feel like while i'm "faking it" i'm just being the person I would have been without the SAD, that i'm being me. It's just a version of me that doesn't feel very comfortable saying and doing the things that i do, but does them anyways. I know it's kind of complicated and hard to explain, but this is the best I could do.
I plan on continuing this in college, because I think it's the only way I could get through it. I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone is a person, just like me. That it's okay to be embarrassed sometimes, but that I can't let it take over. I won't let having having SAD ruin my college experience, or make me miss out things that I will regret when I get older. I won't let having SAD make a recluse who is to afraid of life to live it.
Monday, June 24, 2013
I guess my life is beginning.
In August I will be starting my first year of college. I will be a twenty year old freshman. I am feeling a bit torn at the moment about this. I feel like since I will be older than majority of the freshman, I should feel less nervous. Like I have less to prove because we're not exactly in the same age group. But then I also feel nervous because I will be older than most of the freshman and will probably be looked at like a fool, for taking so long to go to college.
I've been trying to suck it up and just get on with my life. I don't want to let having SAD be the reason why I have so many regrets later on in life. It's easy telling my self to just 'suck it up' now, but i'm afraid what will happen when I actually begin school. I don't want to be the weird girl, who has no friends. I would love to make friends while in college, but I just don't know how.
On top of all of that, I recently moved so I will know absolutely no one. Which again leaves me feeling torn. I love that this is a chance to start over. That I won't have any preconceived notions made about from me from people that knew me in high school. On the other hand I am also sacred to be starting school at a place where I will be virtually alone. I have no one that I can go to. And it's very intimidating to know that I have to do this all on my own. I'm used to having people with me that I can ask to do things for me, like ordering my food, or asking the teacher something. I will no longer that luxury. I have to figure out how to do things all on my own. And i'm scared.
I've been trying to suck it up and just get on with my life. I don't want to let having SAD be the reason why I have so many regrets later on in life. It's easy telling my self to just 'suck it up' now, but i'm afraid what will happen when I actually begin school. I don't want to be the weird girl, who has no friends. I would love to make friends while in college, but I just don't know how.
On top of all of that, I recently moved so I will know absolutely no one. Which again leaves me feeling torn. I love that this is a chance to start over. That I won't have any preconceived notions made about from me from people that knew me in high school. On the other hand I am also sacred to be starting school at a place where I will be virtually alone. I have no one that I can go to. And it's very intimidating to know that I have to do this all on my own. I'm used to having people with me that I can ask to do things for me, like ordering my food, or asking the teacher something. I will no longer that luxury. I have to figure out how to do things all on my own. And i'm scared.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
The dreaded question.
When I was in high school my grandfather would always ask me " You don't have a boyfriend right?" And it was pretty obvious that he didn't want me to have one. I guess he thought I should be more focused on my school work, and I had no problem with that. It was an easy question to answer. Of course I didn't have a boyfriend. I had lots of guy friends and I was, for the most part, okay with them, but as soon I 'd see signs of any of them liking me I would run for hills. The question was always a sort of confirmation for me, in a world of boyfriends, girlfriends, hookups, and break ups (high school) I was never a part of any of it, but at least I had one person who had no problem with it and actually encouraged me to not get a boyfriend.
But when I graduated high school, the question suddenly changed from "You don't have a boyfriend right?" to "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" It's like he thinks that now that i'm an "adult" (19) I need to have a boyfriend. I guess I can understand where he is coming from, he just wants me to happy and you know how old people are (you need a man to make you happy).
What's even more upsetting is that he's not the only one who continues to ask the dreaded question. My older brother always asks me if I have a boyfriend yet, and my cousins, and aunts and uncles, and old classmates. I hate it! I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. I would not be able to handle a boyfriend. I would completely freak out. I can hardly handle answering the door for the mail man!
What makes it worse is that my sister who only one year older me has had boyfriends since she was in the ninth grade and she is now is 3 year relationship. People see her and then me and they're like " Why don't you have a boyfriend?" It's so frustrating! They seem to think something is wrong with me because I have never had a boyfriend. Then there is the idiots who think i'm a lesbian just because I've never had a boyfriend. And i'm like "Really? No boyfriend automatically equals lesbian?"
I just hate it when people say "you've never had a boyfriend?" Like it's the most shocking thing in the world. It's not like I said I've never seen the sun. Not having a boyfriend isn't the end of the world!
But when I graduated high school, the question suddenly changed from "You don't have a boyfriend right?" to "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" It's like he thinks that now that i'm an "adult" (19) I need to have a boyfriend. I guess I can understand where he is coming from, he just wants me to happy and you know how old people are (you need a man to make you happy).
What's even more upsetting is that he's not the only one who continues to ask the dreaded question. My older brother always asks me if I have a boyfriend yet, and my cousins, and aunts and uncles, and old classmates. I hate it! I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. I would not be able to handle a boyfriend. I would completely freak out. I can hardly handle answering the door for the mail man!
What makes it worse is that my sister who only one year older me has had boyfriends since she was in the ninth grade and she is now is 3 year relationship. People see her and then me and they're like " Why don't you have a boyfriend?" It's so frustrating! They seem to think something is wrong with me because I have never had a boyfriend. Then there is the idiots who think i'm a lesbian just because I've never had a boyfriend. And i'm like "Really? No boyfriend automatically equals lesbian?"
I just hate it when people say "you've never had a boyfriend?" Like it's the most shocking thing in the world. It's not like I said I've never seen the sun. Not having a boyfriend isn't the end of the world!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Where are they now?
In high school I had two best friends ( we'll just call them "Mai" and "Jin" for privacy purposes). I met Jin in 8th grade. We weren't exactly friends, but we spoke to each other. In 9th grade we became best friends. We were always together. But only in school. I always wanted to hang with her after school but she never invited me so I thought that she didn't want me there.
I met Mai in the 10th grade, and me Jin and Mai became instant friends. I started hanging out with them after school. And we were always over each others houses. And I felt really good because it was the first time I felt like I had true friends. We were always together and when we weren't people usually asked where the other one was.
And while I still felt nervous and anxious around them, it was definitely a lowers level on intensity than when I was around other people. And as long as we we'rent talking about boys, I was usually okay. I came up with a story, about how I did't want a boyfriend and I was happy being by myself and that I wouldn't make a good girlfriend. And while most of that was true, I didn't tell them I was actually terrified at the prospect of having a boyfriend.
I met Mai in the 10th grade, and me Jin and Mai became instant friends. I started hanging out with them after school. And we were always over each others houses. And I felt really good because it was the first time I felt like I had true friends. We were always together and when we weren't people usually asked where the other one was.
And while I still felt nervous and anxious around them, it was definitely a lowers level on intensity than when I was around other people. And as long as we we'rent talking about boys, I was usually okay. I came up with a story, about how I did't want a boyfriend and I was happy being by myself and that I wouldn't make a good girlfriend. And while most of that was true, I didn't tell them I was actually terrified at the prospect of having a boyfriend.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Giggles you say.
I hate when people that I don't know giggle and laugh around me. My first immediate reaction is that they are laughing, and making fun of me. Even if they aren't paying attention to me, that is still what I feel is happening.
A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were not laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.
What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.
I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.
A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were not laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.
What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.
I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.
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