I've been gone for a while but made a Tumblr, just to have a visual diary along with this written one.
talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com
Do with it what you please.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Sunday, August 23, 2015
How Zoloft helped me realize I was depressed, and alleviate my social anxiety.
So, I have been gone a long stretch of time lately and a lot has happened int that time.
The title might be a little bit confusing considering I have stated many a time that I am very against drugs, prescribed or other wise, but I will get into detail what caused my jump from trying to naturally alleviate my anxiety to medically alleviate it in another post. This post in all about how Zoloft helped me realized I was/am depressed.
Okay so I'm going to jump right into it. About a month before I graduated college (Yay for me, I actually did it!) I went to a doctors appointment an actually talked to my doctor about my anxiety which was a big deal. After we spoke for a bit she wanted prescribe me with Zoloft to try and help my anxiety, and while I was little bit apprehensive, I decided to try it because at that point I was so fed up with how my anxiety was acting up and the herbs I was using just weren't doing enough. She prescribed me with 25MG because of my height and weight and she didn't want to overwhelm my body I guess.
I stayed on these for 4 weeks before I went back for a check in, check up. The 25MG didn't do anything for me except make me the drowsiest I have ever been in my life, and give nausea. My nausea was so strange too, I would sporadically get nauseous through out the day, and also when I laughed. It was the strangest sensation to fell nauseous because of a laugh. Luckily the nausea cleared up after week three, unluckily the 25MG's didn't do anything for the SA.
When I went in for my check in, I told all of this to my doctor and she suggested try out 50MG for another four weeks and come back in with another round of check ups. I was not optimistic after having failed with 25MG and having read so many stories about how sometimes Zoloft only works for certain people.
Boy, was I surprised. The first thing I noticed that it severely lessened was my depression. I knew that I would become depressed sometimes but I had no idea to what extent I was depressed until I started taking Zoloft and I wasn't as depressed anymore. I think I was so used to living with it that I didn't even notice that something was wrong. The differences I felt in myself were shocking, because I hadn't even realize the my depression was a part of the problem because I was so focused on my SA.
I noticed a difference in my attitude towards myself and others. I realized how much more lighter I felt, I can't even pin point the exact things it changed I just know that overall I felt so much better about myself and my situation.
It also helped with my SA. I work for my sister now (we'll get int that in another post) and she was always pushing me to make these calls so certain clients and I would just refuse to do it because my SA would not allow me to, but on Zoloft while I wasn't comfortable and the anxiousness was still there, I was at least able to actually call them.I was also able to walk into a store or order something at a restaurant without freaking out on the inside. I felt a lot more in control of my life, and my decisions.
I'm not saying that it was a cure, I still had anxiety and depression, but it did help me out a lot with having some sort hold on my life, and since I have had SA since as far back as I can remember that was a big deal to me, I had never felt like that before.
Even though the Zoloft had helped me tremendously I am no longer taking it. I took the 50MG's for about a month and a half before I stopped. There are a multitude of reasons why I stopped, which I will get into in another post where I will update my personal life.
I also want to address the brain zaps. I remember reading about the zaps happening when taking Paxil but I can't remember if I read about them happening on Zoloft, but for me they did happened. It's so hard to explain the exact feeling, it doesn't hurt, it kind of feels like feels like of you squeeze your eyes closed very tightly and tighten your whole body to the point where it starts to shake. Except it's that feeling only in you head. lol that's the only way I can think to describe it. It's such a strange feeling. They happened about two weeks after I stopped taking them, and only last about two weeks as well. They were very random, at first I didn't connect the zaps to the Zoloft, I wasn't really keeping track, so I can't say exactly how many times they happened.
I am kind of sad that I no longer feel the same way I did when taking the Zoloft because when stopped I actually noticed how depressed I am, and how bad my SA can be.
It sucks having both SA and depression and I found this post which put into words what I have been feeling my whole life:
talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com
The title might be a little bit confusing considering I have stated many a time that I am very against drugs, prescribed or other wise, but I will get into detail what caused my jump from trying to naturally alleviate my anxiety to medically alleviate it in another post. This post in all about how Zoloft helped me realized I was/am depressed.
Okay so I'm going to jump right into it. About a month before I graduated college (Yay for me, I actually did it!) I went to a doctors appointment an actually talked to my doctor about my anxiety which was a big deal. After we spoke for a bit she wanted prescribe me with Zoloft to try and help my anxiety, and while I was little bit apprehensive, I decided to try it because at that point I was so fed up with how my anxiety was acting up and the herbs I was using just weren't doing enough. She prescribed me with 25MG because of my height and weight and she didn't want to overwhelm my body I guess.
I stayed on these for 4 weeks before I went back for a check in, check up. The 25MG didn't do anything for me except make me the drowsiest I have ever been in my life, and give nausea. My nausea was so strange too, I would sporadically get nauseous through out the day, and also when I laughed. It was the strangest sensation to fell nauseous because of a laugh. Luckily the nausea cleared up after week three, unluckily the 25MG's didn't do anything for the SA.
When I went in for my check in, I told all of this to my doctor and she suggested try out 50MG for another four weeks and come back in with another round of check ups. I was not optimistic after having failed with 25MG and having read so many stories about how sometimes Zoloft only works for certain people.
Boy, was I surprised. The first thing I noticed that it severely lessened was my depression. I knew that I would become depressed sometimes but I had no idea to what extent I was depressed until I started taking Zoloft and I wasn't as depressed anymore. I think I was so used to living with it that I didn't even notice that something was wrong. The differences I felt in myself were shocking, because I hadn't even realize the my depression was a part of the problem because I was so focused on my SA.
I noticed a difference in my attitude towards myself and others. I realized how much more lighter I felt, I can't even pin point the exact things it changed I just know that overall I felt so much better about myself and my situation.
It also helped with my SA. I work for my sister now (we'll get int that in another post) and she was always pushing me to make these calls so certain clients and I would just refuse to do it because my SA would not allow me to, but on Zoloft while I wasn't comfortable and the anxiousness was still there, I was at least able to actually call them.I was also able to walk into a store or order something at a restaurant without freaking out on the inside. I felt a lot more in control of my life, and my decisions.
I'm not saying that it was a cure, I still had anxiety and depression, but it did help me out a lot with having some sort hold on my life, and since I have had SA since as far back as I can remember that was a big deal to me, I had never felt like that before.
Even though the Zoloft had helped me tremendously I am no longer taking it. I took the 50MG's for about a month and a half before I stopped. There are a multitude of reasons why I stopped, which I will get into in another post where I will update my personal life.
I also want to address the brain zaps. I remember reading about the zaps happening when taking Paxil but I can't remember if I read about them happening on Zoloft, but for me they did happened. It's so hard to explain the exact feeling, it doesn't hurt, it kind of feels like feels like of you squeeze your eyes closed very tightly and tighten your whole body to the point where it starts to shake. Except it's that feeling only in you head. lol that's the only way I can think to describe it. It's such a strange feeling. They happened about two weeks after I stopped taking them, and only last about two weeks as well. They were very random, at first I didn't connect the zaps to the Zoloft, I wasn't really keeping track, so I can't say exactly how many times they happened.
I am kind of sad that I no longer feel the same way I did when taking the Zoloft because when stopped I actually noticed how depressed I am, and how bad my SA can be.
It sucks having both SA and depression and I found this post which put into words what I have been feeling my whole life:
talesfromagirlwithsad.tumblr.com
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Today is just not a good day.
Sometimes I feel like I'll never be a normal functioning human being.
I know that the herbs that I have been taking on my self medicating quest have helped a bit, but it just doesn't seem like enough.
Sometimes I wake up and I think about what my life is going to be like in ten twenty or thirty years from now, and i have all these fantasies of what I want it to be but they feel pointless. This is not how I imagined my life would be at 22. I have zero independence. I feel like such a burden to all of my family members but I just don't know how to change it.
Sometimes I think about just leaving so my family doesn't have to deal with me anymore. I'd probably end up homeless somewhere. It makes think if some of the homeless people I see on the streets have social anxiety as well and just couldn't make it.
When I start to think about what my future will be like I get really depressed. I;m just not happy. I truthfully can't remember the last time I was honestly happy. I;m trying really hard to see the improvements that my SMP have made but at this point they just aren't enough.
I remember when I was younger and didn't understand why I was so afraid all the time I would tell my self it would get better when I was older. I had fantasies of what kind of person I would be, now that I am the age that those fantasies were based off of I feel like a failure. I am nothing like what I wanted to be.
I'm just so tired of being afraid. It's not fair. I don't understand what I did wrong to have this.
Sometimes my heart just beats fast for no reason. This morning I woke up and for no reason what so ever my heart was beating really fast. I was alone in my room so I have no idea why this would happen. Days that start off like this are bound to be bad days. I just don't want to do this anymore.
I hate that I have to work so hard just live and be happy.
Today is just not a good day.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Week 4 update - Self medicating social anxiety
I made it to the week four mark. Woop!
This is the week that I began school again. So I think it gave a better chance to see the herbs in action.
So a quick update, I'm still taking the same dosage as before. I'm taking 1 capsule of 530mg Valerian Root, 1 capsule of 500mg Rhodiola Rosea, and 2 capsules of 650mg Chamomile. I take these every morning with breakfast, or lunch if I'm running late. so onto the update!
I did just move to a new town so I am taking a new bus and route to school and I don't really work well with unfamiliar things, but i have to say it wasn't that bad. I was still anxious, but I don't think my level was that bad. On a scale from 1 to 10 I was about a 5 on the scale. which is so much better than last semester which I would put at about a 7.
So my first day back at school was great because I only had one class. It may have made me feel better because it was in a class room and with a teacher that I have had before. I walked into the room and said good morning, GOOD MORNING! I surprised even myself. I don't talk to teachers when I walk in classrooms, and I certainly never say good morning. So I was definitely shocked at my actions lol. I then proceeded to sit down and even though I was in a classroom full of people I don't know I was okay. I would say my anxiety was at a 4 by that point. which is crazy! I'm so freaking excited about my results. I feel like an actual half way normal person.
The rest of the week continued on in the same manor. I went to my classes I didn't feel overwhelmed. I even spoke in my creative writing class, it was mandatory, but who cares. I spoke up and said what I had to say and that was that. I was still nervous about it but my hands didn't shake at all. Even when I was done my hand still weren't shaking! Usually when I speak my hands shake and even when I'm done they continue to shake for a while after that. So this was pretty spectacular. I'm not sure if this is because I have a pretty tame schedule this semester (yay last semester!) because I only have one class Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and two classes Wednesday. That might have to do with my anxiety level because I'm not being overwhelmed with the amount of people I have to deal with in a day.
I went into the pool (not swimming, the game) room and hung out with my friends (I use that term loosely, I don't really have friends, we're more like school friends only) and I was fine in there. I left the school with a friend and went to get some Chinese food in her car. I actually rode in the car with just the two of us. I would say my anxiety level was at about a 4 then two. which is a big improvement to last semester when I rode with a group of friends off campus. This makes me happy because before I never would have been able to say i was more comfortable riding in a car with one person where I couldn't hide and had to talk as opposed to a group.
For the eating healthier aspect, I have been doing great I think. Most days I start out with a homemade smoothie for breakfast. I have a really big hill to walk everyday to and from the bus so I get some good exercise in daily.
I did not get the chance to do any yoga during week 4. Not going to make up excuses, I just kind of forgot or I didn't want to stop reading (this is a whole other issue that I will address in another post). I do have my laptop back now, so that gives me a better opportunity to check out some yoga videos.
I think I had great results for my fourth week. This really make me hopeful. I'm not saying that I'm ready to start applying for jobs or anything, but I really do think that I made great improvements this week.
This is the week that I began school again. So I think it gave a better chance to see the herbs in action.
So a quick update, I'm still taking the same dosage as before. I'm taking 1 capsule of 530mg Valerian Root, 1 capsule of 500mg Rhodiola Rosea, and 2 capsules of 650mg Chamomile. I take these every morning with breakfast, or lunch if I'm running late. so onto the update!
I did just move to a new town so I am taking a new bus and route to school and I don't really work well with unfamiliar things, but i have to say it wasn't that bad. I was still anxious, but I don't think my level was that bad. On a scale from 1 to 10 I was about a 5 on the scale. which is so much better than last semester which I would put at about a 7.
So my first day back at school was great because I only had one class. It may have made me feel better because it was in a class room and with a teacher that I have had before. I walked into the room and said good morning, GOOD MORNING! I surprised even myself. I don't talk to teachers when I walk in classrooms, and I certainly never say good morning. So I was definitely shocked at my actions lol. I then proceeded to sit down and even though I was in a classroom full of people I don't know I was okay. I would say my anxiety was at a 4 by that point. which is crazy! I'm so freaking excited about my results. I feel like an actual half way normal person.
The rest of the week continued on in the same manor. I went to my classes I didn't feel overwhelmed. I even spoke in my creative writing class, it was mandatory, but who cares. I spoke up and said what I had to say and that was that. I was still nervous about it but my hands didn't shake at all. Even when I was done my hand still weren't shaking! Usually when I speak my hands shake and even when I'm done they continue to shake for a while after that. So this was pretty spectacular. I'm not sure if this is because I have a pretty tame schedule this semester (yay last semester!) because I only have one class Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and two classes Wednesday. That might have to do with my anxiety level because I'm not being overwhelmed with the amount of people I have to deal with in a day.
I went into the pool (not swimming, the game) room and hung out with my friends (I use that term loosely, I don't really have friends, we're more like school friends only) and I was fine in there. I left the school with a friend and went to get some Chinese food in her car. I actually rode in the car with just the two of us. I would say my anxiety level was at about a 4 then two. which is a big improvement to last semester when I rode with a group of friends off campus. This makes me happy because before I never would have been able to say i was more comfortable riding in a car with one person where I couldn't hide and had to talk as opposed to a group.
For the eating healthier aspect, I have been doing great I think. Most days I start out with a homemade smoothie for breakfast. I have a really big hill to walk everyday to and from the bus so I get some good exercise in daily.
I did not get the chance to do any yoga during week 4. Not going to make up excuses, I just kind of forgot or I didn't want to stop reading (this is a whole other issue that I will address in another post). I do have my laptop back now, so that gives me a better opportunity to check out some yoga videos.
I think I had great results for my fourth week. This really make me hopeful. I'm not saying that I'm ready to start applying for jobs or anything, but I really do think that I made great improvements this week.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Week 2 and 3 update - Self medicating social anxiety
Okay, so I'm going to do an update on week two and three because I didn't do week two, two weeks ago or week three last week. My laptop was being repaired and I really didn't want to write this on my cousins tablet that I've been borrowing. I did the the last couple of posts on it and its really annoying because its broken and only allows me to touch half of the screen and I have to keep flipping it upside down. But now I finally have my laptop back. I haven't used it since October, but I had to get it repaired because classes started again and I have two online classes this semester. Okay on to the update!
Week Two:
So a quick update. I am taking Chamomile, Rhodiola Rosea, and Valerian Root capsules daily along with trying eat healthier, getting outside daily, and starting yoga again.
Last week I said that I was taking one 530mg Valerian capsule, two 500mg Rhodiola capsules, and two 650mg Chamomile capsules. Since then I have switched back to taking one Rhodiola capsule. I thought the label said "take 1 to 2 capsules daily" but it actually says" take one 1 capsule 1 to 2 times daily".
I was taking both at the same time with the rest if the capsules. I have since decided to go back down to one capsule because I'm taking the Rhodiola together with the Chamomile and Valerian and I don't to over do it.
I did go outside at least one time a day in the second week and I also did get some yoga done. I did some painting as well which is a great way to calm my mind. I have started to eat better, but I plan doing even better.
Unlike the week before, in week two I actually went somewhere so I got the chance to see the "medication" in action. I went to the mall with my mother and my sisters boyfriends brother, lol that's a mouthful. I was returning a jacket and when I went to talk to the cashier I did notice that I wasn't as nervous (read: terrified out of mind) as I normally am. I also had to find my receipt and sign something and my hands barely even shook.
I count that as win in my book any day. I'm really excited because it seams like the herbs are really starting to take effect. Even if it's just a placebo effect I'm okay with that. Onto week three!
Week Three:
During week three I did get some more interaction with the outside world. I had to send of my laptop to be repaired. I went to the post office looking around for a large flat rate box and when I couldn't find the one I wanted I actually went to the window and asked the lady if they had the size box I needed. I count that as a win. I don't know if I was feeling brave that day, or if it was because the post office was empty, or because of the herbs, but either way I feel pretty good about being able to ask the window lady something while being there all on my own.
Of course when I came back with box and no label and the lady looked at me like I was stupid when I handed her a label-less box I felt completely and utterly mortified. I had to move to the side and write my label on and this time I wasn't so lucky to have an empty post office.
In my defense I haven't sent many packages where I had to write a label on it. I always just print out the prepaid for ones from Paypal. I thought if i went to the window she would just put one of those labels on the box.
Anyways, I also got some yoga done in the second week. But i think i need to watch an actual video and follow along to get a proper yoga session in because I can't always remember the poses I want to do. I think I'll start the 30 day yoga challenge again that's on Youtube.
Here is the link: 30 day yoga challenge.
I would also like to do some of these poses that are specific to anxiety in this article:
I got some painting done as well. As for eating healthier I think I'm getting there. I'm doing better every week.
I'll have an update of week 4, which is this week we're in right now on Sunday. This is also the week I started school, so it should be an interesting update.
Week Two:
So a quick update. I am taking Chamomile, Rhodiola Rosea, and Valerian Root capsules daily along with trying eat healthier, getting outside daily, and starting yoga again.
Last week I said that I was taking one 530mg Valerian capsule, two 500mg Rhodiola capsules, and two 650mg Chamomile capsules. Since then I have switched back to taking one Rhodiola capsule. I thought the label said "take 1 to 2 capsules daily" but it actually says" take one 1 capsule 1 to 2 times daily".
I was taking both at the same time with the rest if the capsules. I have since decided to go back down to one capsule because I'm taking the Rhodiola together with the Chamomile and Valerian and I don't to over do it.
I did go outside at least one time a day in the second week and I also did get some yoga done. I did some painting as well which is a great way to calm my mind. I have started to eat better, but I plan doing even better.
Unlike the week before, in week two I actually went somewhere so I got the chance to see the "medication" in action. I went to the mall with my mother and my sisters boyfriends brother, lol that's a mouthful. I was returning a jacket and when I went to talk to the cashier I did notice that I wasn't as nervous (read: terrified out of mind) as I normally am. I also had to find my receipt and sign something and my hands barely even shook.
I count that as win in my book any day. I'm really excited because it seams like the herbs are really starting to take effect. Even if it's just a placebo effect I'm okay with that. Onto week three!
Week Three:
During week three I did get some more interaction with the outside world. I had to send of my laptop to be repaired. I went to the post office looking around for a large flat rate box and when I couldn't find the one I wanted I actually went to the window and asked the lady if they had the size box I needed. I count that as a win. I don't know if I was feeling brave that day, or if it was because the post office was empty, or because of the herbs, but either way I feel pretty good about being able to ask the window lady something while being there all on my own.
Of course when I came back with box and no label and the lady looked at me like I was stupid when I handed her a label-less box I felt completely and utterly mortified. I had to move to the side and write my label on and this time I wasn't so lucky to have an empty post office.
In my defense I haven't sent many packages where I had to write a label on it. I always just print out the prepaid for ones from Paypal. I thought if i went to the window she would just put one of those labels on the box.
Anyways, I also got some yoga done in the second week. But i think i need to watch an actual video and follow along to get a proper yoga session in because I can't always remember the poses I want to do. I think I'll start the 30 day yoga challenge again that's on Youtube.
Here is the link: 30 day yoga challenge.
I would also like to do some of these poses that are specific to anxiety in this article:
I got some painting done as well. As for eating healthier I think I'm getting there. I'm doing better every week.
I'll have an update of week 4, which is this week we're in right now on Sunday. This is also the week I started school, so it should be an interesting update.
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