Sunday, August 18, 2013

Keep Calm and Kill Me Now.

I have orientation this Thursday. I feel like i'm about to throw up.

Every time I think about the up coming date, my heart goes into overdrive. I feel very much out of my comfort zone and i'm not even there yet. I have no idea how i'm going to handle being there. I know in my previous post I spoke about how I " fake it"  to get through tough situations (read: my life), but that doesn't really help me with the internal battle that will be going on inside my head. 

"Faking it" is more of a technique I use to not let myself get too caught up in my head and let my anxiety win. But while i'm outwardly cool, calm, and collected, i'm inwardly hyperventilating , second guessing my self, and freaking the eff out. "Faking it" and displaying and outward calm doesn't stop the feelings, it just makes it so that no one else know that I am silently wishing for the world to end so that I don't have to deal with life anymore. And it's thoughts like this that make me want to fake even more, because I can't let thoughts like this win, I can't let having SAD ruin my life. I have to fight back, and take control. But I digress. 

The point is, i'm freaking out about orientation. There is going to be a lot of people there, and i'm going to have to act the like a normal functioning human being, when  all I really want to do hide under a rock. At least I won't be alone. My mom and aunt are going to come with me, so that takes a lot of weight off my shoulders.  The only thing is that I feel kind of stupid for needing them. I'm twenty years old and I need my mom to come with me because i'm scared. I try to fight having SAD, but sometimes I lose. 

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