Saturday, February 7, 2015

Today is just not a good day.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be a normal functioning human being. 
I know that the herbs that I have been taking on my self medicating quest have helped a bit, but it just doesn't seem like enough. 

Sometimes I wake up and I think about what my life is going to be like in ten twenty or thirty years from now, and i have all these fantasies of what I want it to be but they feel pointless. This is not how I imagined my life would be at 22. I have zero independence. I feel like such a burden to all of my family members but I just don't know how to change it. 

Sometimes I think about just leaving so my family doesn't have to deal with me anymore. I'd probably end up homeless somewhere. It makes think if some of the homeless people I see on the streets have social anxiety as well and just couldn't make it. 

When I start to think about what my future will be like I get really depressed. I;m just not happy. I truthfully can't remember the last time I was honestly happy. I;m trying really hard to see the improvements that my SMP have made but at this point they just aren't enough. 

I remember when I was younger and didn't understand why I was so afraid all the time I would tell my self it would get better when I was older. I had fantasies of what kind of person I would be, now that I am the age that those fantasies were based off of I feel like a failure. I am nothing like what I wanted to be. 

I'm just so tired of being afraid. It's not fair. I don't understand what I did wrong to have this. 

Sometimes my heart just beats fast for no reason. This morning I woke up and for no reason what so ever my heart was beating really fast. I was alone in my room so I have no idea why this would happen. Days that start off like this are bound to be bad days. I just don't want to do this anymore. 

I hate that I have to work so hard just live and be happy. 

Today is just not a good day. 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Week 4 update - Self medicating social anxiety

I made it to the week four mark. Woop!

This is the week that I began school again. So I think it gave a better chance to see the herbs in action.

So a quick update, I'm still taking the same dosage as before. I'm taking 1 capsule of 530mg Valerian Root, 1 capsule of 500mg  Rhodiola Rosea, and 2 capsules of 650mg Chamomile. I take these every morning with breakfast, or lunch if I'm running late. so onto the update!

I did just move to a new town so I am taking a new bus and route to school and I don't really work well with unfamiliar things, but i have to say it wasn't that bad. I was still anxious, but I don't think my level was that bad. On a scale from 1 to 10 I was about a 5 on the scale. which is so much better than last semester which I would put at about a 7.

So my first day back at school was great because I only had one class. It may have made me feel better because it was in a class room and with a teacher that I have had before. I walked into the room and said good morning, GOOD MORNING! I surprised even myself. I don't talk to teachers when I walk in classrooms, and I certainly never say good morning. So I was definitely shocked at my actions lol. I then proceeded to sit down and even though I was in a classroom full of people I don't know I was okay. I would say my anxiety was at a 4 by that point. which is crazy! I'm so freaking excited about my results. I feel like an actual half way normal person.

The rest of the week continued on in the same manor. I went to my classes I didn't feel overwhelmed. I even spoke in my creative writing class, it was mandatory, but who cares. I spoke up and said what I had to say and that was that. I was still nervous about it but my hands didn't shake at all. Even when I was done my hand still weren't shaking! Usually when I speak my hands shake and even when I'm done they continue to shake for a while after that. So this was pretty spectacular. I'm not sure if this is because I have a pretty tame schedule this semester (yay last semester!) because I only have one class Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, and two classes Wednesday. That might have to do with my anxiety level because I'm not being overwhelmed with the amount of people I have to deal with in a day.

I went into the pool (not swimming, the game) room and hung out with my friends (I use that term loosely, I don't really have friends, we're more like school friends only) and I was fine in there. I left the school with a friend and went to get some Chinese food in her car. I actually rode in the car with just the two of us. I would say my anxiety level was at about a 4 then two. which is a big improvement to last semester when I rode with a group of friends off campus. This makes me happy because before I never would have been able to say i was more comfortable riding in a car with one person where I couldn't hide and had to talk as opposed to a group.

For the eating healthier aspect, I have been doing great I think. Most days I start out with a homemade smoothie for breakfast. I have a really big hill to walk everyday to and from the bus so I get some good exercise in daily.

I did not get the chance to do any yoga during week 4. Not going to make up excuses, I just kind of forgot or I didn't want to stop reading (this is a whole other issue that I will address in another post). I do have my laptop back now, so that gives me a better opportunity to check out some yoga videos.

I think I had great results for my fourth week. This really make me hopeful. I'm not saying that I'm ready to start applying for jobs or anything, but I really do think that I made great improvements this week.