Sunday, August 18, 2013

Keep Calm and Kill Me Now.

I have orientation this Thursday. I feel like i'm about to throw up.

Every time I think about the up coming date, my heart goes into overdrive. I feel very much out of my comfort zone and i'm not even there yet. I have no idea how i'm going to handle being there. I know in my previous post I spoke about how I " fake it"  to get through tough situations (read: my life), but that doesn't really help me with the internal battle that will be going on inside my head. 

"Faking it" is more of a technique I use to not let myself get too caught up in my head and let my anxiety win. But while i'm outwardly cool, calm, and collected, i'm inwardly hyperventilating , second guessing my self, and freaking the eff out. "Faking it" and displaying and outward calm doesn't stop the feelings, it just makes it so that no one else know that I am silently wishing for the world to end so that I don't have to deal with life anymore. And it's thoughts like this that make me want to fake even more, because I can't let thoughts like this win, I can't let having SAD ruin my life. I have to fight back, and take control. But I digress. 

The point is, i'm freaking out about orientation. There is going to be a lot of people there, and i'm going to have to act the like a normal functioning human being, when  all I really want to do hide under a rock. At least I won't be alone. My mom and aunt are going to come with me, so that takes a lot of weight off my shoulders.  The only thing is that I feel kind of stupid for needing them. I'm twenty years old and I need my mom to come with me because i'm scared. I try to fight having SAD, but sometimes I lose. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Fake it 'till you make it.

I will be starting college in about a week. Kill me now.

I imagine my college experience will be like my high school experience only magnified times ten. I'm feeling very anxious just thinking about it. But I will get through this the same way I got through high school. By "faking it". I find that pretending to not have SAD is very helpful when put in situation like this. Because of high school I've become a master at "faking it". None of best friends even suspected anything was wrong, and these were the people I spent the most time around.

My strategy for" faking it", isn't very good, but it works for me. I simply display an outward calm, and self control, pretending that i'm very comfortable in my skin, while I freak the eff out in my head. See, I told you it's not the best plan, but it actually works.

Example: I recently had to go up to my school to take a placement test (annoying). When I finished with the test there was guy sitting and waiting for his turn, I was already feeling pretty anxious just by being in the school. I  handed in my test and went to make my way back down the steps and out of the building, only problem being, I couldn't find the freaking stairs (How do you lose stairs?). I walked all the way down the hall an then back up looking for the stairs feeling like a complete and utter retard because  the guy was looking at me and probably wondering what I was doing walking up and down the hall. When I finally found the stairs, I was mortified. They were like 3 feet in front of the guy and by this point it was pretty obvious that to him that it was the stairs I was looking for. At this point I had two choices, I could be embarrassed and silently sulk down the stairs, or I could suck it up and "fake" my way out an embarrassing situation. Being a master" faker", I obviously chose option number two. I looked at the stairs and chucked a bit and then said " Wow, I must be blind" and then the guy smiled  and then I smiled and made my way down the steps looking like a girl who isn't embarrassed by getting a little lost.

Some people may see this as being a fake person, but I don't. The way I see myself with SAD is like I have two  different sides of me. The SAD side of me clearly has no common sense. She's of things that should't scare her and completely unreasonable. And then there is the side of me without SAD who is reasonable, who knows that being around someone that you don't know doesn't mean you should be scared of them, and who know that talking to someone the phone should't be something that is feared. It's like I have these two sides warring inside of me. I feel like the SAD side of me controls the anxious feelings and thoughts while other side of me controls my mouth, and actions. I feel like while i'm "faking it" i'm just being the person I would have been without the SAD, that i'm being me. It's just a version of me that doesn't feel very comfortable saying and doing the things that i do, but does them anyways. I know it's kind of complicated and hard to explain, but this is the best I could do.

I plan on continuing this in college, because I think it's the only way I could get through it. I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone is a person, just like me. That it's okay to be embarrassed sometimes, but that I can't let it take over. I won't let having having SAD ruin my college experience, or make me miss out things that I will regret when I get older. I won't let having SAD make a recluse who is to afraid of life to live it.

Monday, June 24, 2013

I guess my life is beginning.

In August I will be starting my first year of college. I will be a twenty year old freshman. I am feeling a bit torn at the moment about this. I feel like since I will be older than majority of the freshman, I should feel less nervous. Like I have less to prove because we're not exactly in the same age group. But then I also feel nervous because I will be older than most of the freshman and will probably be looked at like a fool, for taking so long to go to college.

I've been trying to suck it up and just get on with my life. I don't want to let having SAD be the reason why I have so many regrets later on in life. It's easy telling my self to just 'suck it up' now, but i'm afraid what will happen when I actually begin school. I don't want to be the weird girl, who has no friends. I would love to make friends while in college, but I just don't know how.

On top of all of that, I recently moved so I will know absolutely no one. Which again leaves me feeling torn. I love that this is a chance to start over. That I won't have any preconceived notions made about from me from people that knew me in high school.  On the other hand I am also sacred to be starting school at a place where I will be virtually alone. I have no one that I can go to. And it's very intimidating to know that I have to do this all on my own. I'm used to having people with me that I can ask to do things for me, like ordering my food, or asking the teacher something. I will no longer that luxury. I have to figure out how to do things all on my own. And i'm scared.