Saturday, February 7, 2015

Today is just not a good day.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be a normal functioning human being. 
I know that the herbs that I have been taking on my self medicating quest have helped a bit, but it just doesn't seem like enough. 

Sometimes I wake up and I think about what my life is going to be like in ten twenty or thirty years from now, and i have all these fantasies of what I want it to be but they feel pointless. This is not how I imagined my life would be at 22. I have zero independence. I feel like such a burden to all of my family members but I just don't know how to change it. 

Sometimes I think about just leaving so my family doesn't have to deal with me anymore. I'd probably end up homeless somewhere. It makes think if some of the homeless people I see on the streets have social anxiety as well and just couldn't make it. 

When I start to think about what my future will be like I get really depressed. I;m just not happy. I truthfully can't remember the last time I was honestly happy. I;m trying really hard to see the improvements that my SMP have made but at this point they just aren't enough. 

I remember when I was younger and didn't understand why I was so afraid all the time I would tell my self it would get better when I was older. I had fantasies of what kind of person I would be, now that I am the age that those fantasies were based off of I feel like a failure. I am nothing like what I wanted to be. 

I'm just so tired of being afraid. It's not fair. I don't understand what I did wrong to have this. 

Sometimes my heart just beats fast for no reason. This morning I woke up and for no reason what so ever my heart was beating really fast. I was alone in my room so I have no idea why this would happen. Days that start off like this are bound to be bad days. I just don't want to do this anymore. 

I hate that I have to work so hard just live and be happy. 

Today is just not a good day. 

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