I hate when people that I don't know giggle and laugh around me. My first immediate reaction is that they are laughing, and making fun of me. Even if they aren't paying attention to me, that is still what I feel is happening.
A couple of days ago I went with my sister to her school because we were going to go out later in the day and it made more sense to just go with her instead of meeting up later on. So while she was in class, I waiting at the schools coffee shop. Since I was alone and I felt extremely anxious and nervous being in a new place by myself I decided to just read book on my kindle, because reading always helps me keep my off of the anxious feelings. About thirty minutes in two girl sat at the next to mine and were just eating and talking and not paying me any attention. But then they started laughing, and while i'm sure that what they were laughing at had absolutely nothing to do with me, I still felt as if they laughing at me. So I stated getting really nervous and embarrassed, and I couldn't concentrate on my book anymore. My hands started getting sweaty and I felt I wasn't getting enough air. I tried thinking rationally and telling myself that they were not laughing at me, but rational thinking just doesn't seem to matter when comes SAD.
What's bad about it is, it's not only strangers I feel this way about. If one of my friends is laughing, and I don't know what they're laughing about I immediately assume they're laughing at me. And sometimes it's not even laughter, sometimes it's when they're whispering to one another. I start feeling they're talking about how i'm weird and they don't want to hang out with me anymore. Sometimes it goes even further to family. If I hear my mom and sister speaking in hushed tones I feel like they're saying i'm annoying. And while most of time I know that not what they're talking about, I can't stop the feeling once it begins. And then I start to question them about what they talking about or laughing about, and when I realize that they weren't talking about me I start to feel really stupid for having the thoughts in the first place. And the I start to feel like they think i'm crazy or annoying for always wanting to know whats going on. It one big vicious circle of feeling like people don't want me around them. And I hate feeling like i'm not wanted.
I get so annoyed when trying to control these unreasonable thoughts, and I can't. My rational mind knows that these thought and feelings are completely uncalled for, but my irrational mind is like "Stfu, they are obviously laughing at you. You look retarded sitting here all by your self in a school that you don't even go to". I feel i'm running towards the edge of a cliff, and while my mind is telling my legs to stop running they just won't listen. I feel like I've lost control.