Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Where are they now?

In high school I had two best friends ( we'll just call them "Mai" and "Jin" for privacy purposes). I met Jin in 8th grade. We weren't exactly friends, but we spoke to each other. In 9th grade we became best friends. We were always together. But only in school. I always wanted to hang with her after school but she never invited me so I thought that she didn't want me there.

I met Mai in the 10th grade, and me Jin and Mai became instant friends. I  started hanging out with them after school. And we were always over each others houses. And I felt really good because it was the first time I felt like I had true friends. We were always together and when we weren't people usually asked where the other one was.

And while I still felt nervous and anxious around them, it was definitely a lowers level on intensity than when I was around other people. And as long as we we'rent talking about boys, I was usually okay. I  came up with a story, about how I did't want a boyfriend and I was happy being by myself and that I wouldn't make a good girlfriend. And while most of that was true, I didn't tell them I was actually terrified at the prospect of having a boyfriend.

While we were in school I never told them about my SAD. I was always to nervous to tell them. I felt like they would judge me if they knew. I did eventually tell them, a year after school ended, and they kind of just brushed it off. Like it wasn't a big deal. And that may have had to do with the way I told them, because I didn't tell them any details. I just told them what I had and a very basic definition of it. But it still kind of bugs me because if one of them told me about something like that, I would research what it was when I got home. But I guess they just don't care enough to know.

I'm not really in contact  with them any more. I'm pretty much friendless at the moment. The year they went off to college we kept in contact pretty well.When they went off to college  for their second year we drifted apart. I tried to keep us together. I would text them and oovoo them. But them I noticed that I was only one actually putting any effort into it and I stopped because I was starting to feel like a burden. I felt like they didn't want to talk to me and that I was just bothering them. It was really hard for me to even work up the courage to text and call video chat with them, and when they didn't reciprocate, I felt really stupid.

Me Jin still see each other when she comes back into town (she dorms) sometimes. And when she comes back we always have a great time together, but during all the months of school we never speak to each other. And i'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call her or text her. I feel like if she wanted to talk to me she would have called me or texted me. Sometimes when she come back, like for winter break, she doesn't even tell me. A couple of times I only found out she was back through facebook, and that really hurts. We were so close before she went off to school, but then she got roommates and now they're her best friends. And now, i'm just the girl she went to high school with.

Mai is whole other story. I really did like Mai. we meshed together really well. And our personalities were pretty similar. But when Mai was around other people rather than just me and Jin, she became a whole other person. Especially if there were boys involved. And for four years me and Jin put up with it, but her first year of college she began to drift away form us. She would only call us if she needed a ride somewhere. She would never invite us anywhere with her anymore. And we invited her places she always had an excuse for why she couldn't go. So we tried to talk to her about it and even the she blew us off. So we pretty much don't speak anymore. I'm not mad at her, and we still occasionally( by occasionally I mean about once a year) text, or like something of each others on facebook, but I just can't deal with her.

During high school we promised each other that we would continue being friends, no matter what. And it makes me sad that I can't even call them my friends anymore. Especially since they were my only friends. I had other people that I spoke to (I wasn't a complete loser) but I would never call them to hang out, and  when I did hang out with them it was always with Mai and Jin as well. I never felt comfortable making plans with anyone other than Mai and Jin. I always felt like I was inviting myself and they didn't want me there. So it's been a pretty friendless year for me. I hang out with my sisters, and sometime with her friends, but it's not the same as having my own friends.

I've  never really been good at making fiends. I get all awkward and say stupid things because i'm nervous and can't stop the word vomit. So now that I don't have any friends i'm not really sure what I should do.
When I  think about friends the first people that come to mind are Jin and Mai, and now that I don't have them anymore i'm a little confused as to how to proceed. How do I make new friends?

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