So I have been missing for a while.
A lot has been going on lately and I haven't had time to just sit and write.
I finished a semester and a half of college and I only have one semester left to graduate, go me! But that's not what this post is about. I will have a post later on talking about being in college while also dealing with social anxiety. And I also have new insights into my "fake it until you make it" post. But that will all come later.
Right now, I want to talk about self medicating.
I have always steered clear of drugs (prescription and recreational) and alcohol. I feel that if I were to start partaking in some fun with them I would turn into an addict. Not because I have a particularly addicting personality, but because I think for just a little while they would help alleviate my anxiety. I would then want to get more and more of that feeling and before I know it I'll end up being an addict or alcoholic. And I do not want that to happen. So just to be on safe side I have never done either. Also alcohol tastes like pee to me lol.
Now, prescription drugs I have been against my whole life. For me personally I feel like even although they might help the problem right now, they will cause even more problems in the future. I also think they they are slowly killing people from the inside out ( but hey, what's not these days?). So because of my views on this I knew I had reached a breaking point when I decided that I wanted to start on Paxil.
What brought me to this point was a number of things. But I suppose I should start at the beginning. This is going to be a long one.
Two years ago my mother was laid off. I had not been in school at the time, hadn't had a job, and was completely dependent on my mother. I knew there was a problem with this because I was twenty and never had a job, was not in school, and needed my mother for everything. Very quickly, my mom loosing her job became a problem.
I have two sisters. My older sister that we'll call Paris, and my sister this is only one year older than me that well call Ally.
Ally lived with me and my mother when my mom lost her job. Paris lived about two hours away from me and my mom. When Paris found out that my mom lost her job she suggested that we come live with her. In her two bedroom apartment, with her 5 year old son. But I don't exactly have room to complain seeing as I was jobless and not able to help out in any way what so ever. So within about a week we were all packed up and ready to go.
Ally could not come with us because she was still in school and Paris' house was to far away. So she stayed with my cousin. And this was a big blow because me and Ally are best friends and she understands more about my SA then any other family member. But there was nothing I could do about it.
Living with Paris wasn't really all that bad. Except for having to share a room with my mom and nephew. We all got along pretty good. An then of course just as I was getting used to living in a new place, starting school again for the first time in four years, and getting comfortable something happened.
Paris' boyfriend moved in with us. Now I was never the biggest fan of her boyfriend. To be honest I don't really like him. If he wasn't my sisters boyfriend, he is not the type of person I would even associate with. I tried to give him benefit of the doubt and just get along with him but he would always do something that pissed me off. For one, he is one of the most sexist people I have ever met, he talks to my sister any way he wants, he's not brightest crayon in the box, and he has anger management issues.
I couldn't exactly voice my opinions though because it was not my house and I wasn't paying any bills so I didn't have any say in the matter. We all lived together for a year, and it was not the most pleasant of times. I was always being watched when I ate stuff because apparently if I wasn't paying for the food I had to be watched to make sure I didn't eat to much of it. They always wanted to know exactly what I was doing, why I was on my computer so much. It was a mess and I wasn't just imagining this because of my SA, I actually heard them talk about this stuff when they forgot I was in the house. And I guess I can't blame them, I was living in their house.
About a year into living together my sister and her boyfriend decided they needed a bigger house because she was now pregnant. You can imagine the joy I felt at this news that her boyfriend was now a permanent fixture in our lives. (that's a sarcastic voice BTW). So the plan was for all of us to get a big house that we could all comfortably live in. At this point the job my mom had was not paying her a lot and she was paying the lights, and cable bill, plus buying food for the house.
One day suddenly they (my sister and her douche face boyfriend) dropped the bomb they didn't want us to live with them anymore. They said they only wanted it to be their little family. So that ruined a lot for me and my mom. That meant she would have to find a better paying job or a second one. And that I would too have to try to find some form of employment which, just the idea of it sent my anxiety into overdrive.
About a month later it was decided that we could stay with them because it was clear we could not survive on our own (my mom had been looking for more work but was not finding anything). But then it was awkward because we now knew they didn't want us there. About three weeks ago we moved into the new house. It's a four bedroom house which would have been ideal except my sisters boyfriend moved his little brother in because where he lived was not a good place for him to be. I actually like him. He nice and not like his brother at all and we get along great. The only problem is that now, he has one of four bedrooms. My nephew has the other and my sister and get boyfriend the third. Which only leaves one bedroom left. So me and my mother are now sharing a room again.
It's not so bad, at least there is more room in this house than the other one, but it's still not where I want to be. They are both still watching every move I make to the point where I feel like I have to sneak around the house just to eat( and I don't eat a lot, I'm 5'1" and 105lbs, some days I forget to eat!) . I understand that me not having a job is inconveniencing them and that I'm probably a burden to majority of the family, but its not like I do absolutely nothing. I tried to start my own online business making handmade jewelry and home decor but that is very sporadic and only brings in like $30 a month. I clean the house daily, I work for my sister when she needs me to, for free (she also has her own business, but hers is successful). I watch her son whenever, no questions asked. When I got my refund check I gave them money to get us into the new house, bought food, threw her a baby shower with my mom, and paid for stuff around the house.
I'm just uncomfortable living here where I know I'm not really wanted. But the thought of me getting a job nearly gives me a heart attack. And this is why we are back to the Paxil. Last week I decided that I need to get a job and move out of here. But that still nearly scares me to death. Not that I'm suicidal, but it scares me so much that the thought of doing it literally made me want to kill my self. I just don't want to have to be afraid anymore. I know that's like giving up and letting my SA win but I just didn't care. I'm not strong enough, and I just wanted to give up.
I then decided that if I was going to have thoughts like that then I might as well just suck it up and get on some medication. Even though I believe the medication is bad, so is living a half life, to afraid to do the things I really want to. That's when I started to research Paxil.
Some how in my Paxil research I ended up coming across this article: socialanxietydisorder.about.com/treatmentoptions
I did some more research on all the herbs listed in the article and I decided to try a combination of Valerian Root, Chamomile, and Rhodiola Rosea. I will be documenting my experience on this blog probably weekly. I'm really hopeful that this is going to work. The last thing I want to do is get on medication, but if this doesn't work then I will have no choice but to because I can't live here any more.
I will make another post shortly after this one explaining my plan in more detail and more specifics about what I plan to do to with self medicating my self.